I was reading through the blogroll on my phone when I came across DauntlessVitality's blog on Communication. (Click here to read it for yourself). In posting my response I realized I had written quite a lot and decided it might be better to write my response as a blog post instead of a comment. And I should note that usually I would post this on my BDSM blog, but it seems to be pretty universal no matter what your kinks are. So I chose to post it here instead.
Maybe it's the holidays, they tend to bring out both the best and the worst in people. I say this because there are a lot of similar posts (both in the vanilla and BDSM blog world) and I know I have been dealing with similar issues.
Master and I have a 20 minute rule. After we've gotten upset about something (well after HE has gotten upset about something) I am not to bug or bother him for at least 20 minutes. That's long enough for him to calm down, think everything through and then respond - be that with punishment or not. It also gives me 20 minutes to sit here and worry that I may have gone to far, or how I could have better worded what I said, or (in rare cases) calm down because while I know I am right, it's not my place to flaunt that...
Either way, communication has a nasty habit of breaking down at times. Much like your car, you tend to take it for granted, going from place to place, upset that it's not as new and shiny as so and so's or glad it's not the POS that some other person is driving, but never giving it much more of a thought other than oil changes and tire rotations.... until it starts to make weird noises or breaks down or gets a flat.
Then you panic. ESPECIALLY if it's something that could have been avoided by keeping a closer eye on your car and getting it tuned up more frequently)
Communication is pretty much the same. Everything seems to be going just swimmingly, sure you have your little spats, who doesn't. (And for those of us who are kinky we may have spats on purpose every now and then....) But for the most part communication with your loved one goes highly unchecked. (Usually). I like to pride myself on the fact that Master and I are in a BDSM relationship because I swear we have better communication now than we ever have. But it would be naive of me to assume that our relationship is the best or that our way of communicating is the only way. It's great.... for us. It works....for us. But that doesn't mean it's perfect for everyone else too. (In fact I highly suspect that if it was perfect for everyone else, I wouldn't like it much at all lol)
So how do you keep the lines of communication from breaking down? I don't think that's possible. Not entirely anyway. I think the best you can do is keep checking on it, make sure you keep an eye on it every 3-6 months and change it up a bit. But the key to remember is to have backup plans set for when it does break down. How will you and your lover handle it when things break down. Will you fly off the handle and say things you can't take back? Will you bite your tongue and give yourselves time to cool down before you try to fix it?
Before the holidays get too hectic (or maybe they already are?) I think it would be a great idea to sit down and figure out how you and yours plan to handle a communication break down. Especially if you're visiting friends and family. Come up with key words, signals or backup plans for handling a breakdown of communication or to catch one before it happens. But this is just one of many ways to handle things before they get out of control, what kinds of things do you do to keep the lines of communication open?
Lots of Love,








