Grandma Jean

Dear Grandma Jean,
Has it really only been two weeks since you passed? I miss you so much. The first week I could barely breathe. I spent most of my time in mourning, crying and remembering your beautiful face, sweet words and even how you answered the phone. I still hear your voice sometimes as the phone rings and I wait for it to connect (no matter who it is I'm calling, I can remember exactly how you always answered). You were always soft spoken. I don't think I can remember a single time I ever heard you really raise your voice, at anyone.
Part of me selfishly wishes that you and Granddaddy never had to sell your home so you could move into the retirement center. I wish I could walk those halls once more, smell the scent of your nutrogena soap, feel the slight breeze of the air conditioning and enjoy the views from your always spotless home. I wish that I could see you in your blue A-line skirt and Granddaddy's white and blue striped shirts he had made especially for you. I wish I could hold your hand as you sang me to sleep when I had a bad dream. And even though I no longer share the same beliefs you were so passionate about, I miss hearing your pray. I miss the way your voice took on a different kind of tone, one full of thankfulness and passion and hope. I miss the way you always had the answers and didn't seem to judge me when I claimed they weren't enough for me any longer. I miss how much you supported me, no matter what.
You love I will carry with me always, your memories I will never forget. I am proud to carry your name and be your granddaughter. I miss you so much it hurts, and I love you even more.

Lots of Love,
~Autumn Jean
aka

Grandma Jean

Team Work and Support Systems

How do you react under pressure? Do you blow up at anything and anyone? Do you timidly hide under the covers until it blows over? Do you ignore it and pretend there's nothing wrong?

Jason and I were watching Hell's Kitchen last night and everyone was yelling, screaming, blaming each other and just all around being jerks to each other. They are constantly taking hard situations and making them worse!! For those who don't watch the show there are a number of contestants split into two teams, each team has to work together to make some pretty awesome meals in a timely and orderly fashion. It's a lot of finger pointing and cursing and name calling though. Oh it drives me nuts!! I love cooking (and I'm damn good at it, thank you very much) and I enjoy some of the tips they give on this show. I find myself yelling weird, motherly things at the screen though when we watch this show. Like "OMG guys, just WORK TOGETHER!!" or "Stop blaming so and so and admit you made a mistake!!" I think the fact that it drives me crazy is part of the appeal though.

But it got me thinking: My friends and I have a routine when the going gets tough. I call my support system (Mom, Caroline, Desi and Jason - though I no longer have to call him, lol) I vent it out with each of them. They listen, I cry, they advise, I may or may not take their advice (normally I do, and the cool thing is 9 times out of 10 they all agree on what should be done) but the one thing I have never let happen is to get fully discouraged. Sure there are things other people have said that really get me down. Sure I might spend a day obsessing over it, constantly repeating the conversation or problem until I'm in tears but I never let it keep me down. I haven't yet and I don't plan to. Nine times out of ten I find that tough situations force me to push myself harder and pull my friends and I closer together. If someone says something negative about me I set out to prove them wrong (ok so I set out to prove to myself that I'm better than that, or that I am worth the extra effort, or that I am talented in whatever area). These people are on my team, at all times. Whenever one of us has a problem we vent it out with each other and cry with each other and rejoice with each other.

When working as part of a team I work hard to pull us together as a team, when others start looking out for number one instead of the team I call them on it (though I do so privately and professionally, even if the team isn't in a work environment). I want to succeed and working on a team means that if my team doesn't succeed, neither do I. How these people on Hell's Kitchen don't get that, I'll never understand. Maybe it's mob-mentality or something. Whatever it is it drives me crazy!! I would love a chance at this kind of thing!! For the most part the Red Team just needs a good leader.

Now I know they aren't lifelong friends on this show and I understand that they've just met a few weeks back but they're acting worse than Mean Girls and to each other! I know that their support systems have probably been taken from them for a bit, but it just amazes me how the one constant on this show is the sheer bullshit they put each other through!! It's a job, people, you can't always pick who you work with, you won't always like them, hell you're not even guaranteed to like any of them, but you make it work, because it's a job and that's the only way to really succeed. You don't talk shit about each other, you don't point out every little thing the others do wrong, you encourage each other and help each other succeed.

They have the communication factor down but they're totally doing it wrong!! The thing I like most about this show though: it makes me analyze myself. I never want to act like they do on there, I never want to be the poison that kills the team. I'd rather be the one who brings people together than the one who tears them apart. You might not like what life dishes out, you may not agree with every decision your teammates make, but you damn well better have their backs or you'll all lose.

But that's just my two cents ;)

Lots of Love,

Team Work and Support Systems

Six Word Saturday 6/12/10

Baking, blogging, talking on the phone...

These are my current forms of therapy. After all the changes in my life I'm finding comforts in the foods I bake, the friends I have (though they live states away) and the deep contemplations I blog out. Of course Jason brings me comfort as well, but there's just something special about writing out my heart, sifting through my emotions and being allowed to bitch, moan and cry about my silly trepidations with my friends as I bake the perfect clover leaf rolls and chocolate filled croissants from scratch.

Jason has promised to start bringing his laptop home with him at night (as opposed to leaving it at the office) so that when I wake up (hours before he does) I can cook and blog about it. I've been neglecting my Autumn's Seasonings blog for far too long now. It's damn time I got back into sharing my joys of cooking with all 19 readers... lol.

Lots of Love,

Six Word Saturday 6/12/10

Dear So and So - 6/11/10

Dear Dunkin' Donuts,

I was in desperate need of espresso this morning and decided to treat myself to some spectacularly good coffee. However the closest Dunkin' Donuts is about 20 minutes from my house. Not a big deal, there are plenty of other coffee shops between here and there, but at the same time I knew Dunkin' Donuts coffee would be good. I've bought it and made it at home plenty of times and they are my first choice when traveling and in need of caffeine or sugar. I drove out to the local shop and ordered a cappuccino. The girl at the drivers window asked what size I would like, I looked to see the size differences and price differences and settled on an extra large cappuccino. I was promptly informed that they only carried one size. (Why on earth would she ask me what size I wanted if the cappuccino only comes in ONE size?!) I ordered it anyway. I also decided to get a donut with my order. I asked for a plain glazed donut, apparently they were out of those, I asked for a chocolate glazed donut, they were out of those as well. I frustratingly asked if they had any chocolate cake donuts then and was told they were also out of those. I asked what kind of donuts they had available and was told they had glazed, chocolate glazed and chocolate cake donuts. At this point I'm thinking the girl taking my order is either incredibly stupid or is purposefully being annoying. I wasn't sure which but I ordered the chocolate cake donut and drove around.

The donut was perfect, but the cappuccino was horribly weak. For a drink with TWO shots of espresso in it made from some of the best coffee makers I've found yet, this was the absolute worst cup I have ever had the displeasure of receiving from your company. The service was horrible, but I could have ignored that for a good cup of coffee. I don't see myself ever going back to this particular Dunkin' Donuts shop again. As I said, the bad service was one thing, but it's one thing I would have dealt with again if the coffee was worth the visit. You might want to check into whatever is going on at this store and make sure the people there at least know how to make a decent cup of coffee and espresso. If you have the extra time retrain them in hospitality.
~Still looking for that perfect cup of REAL espresso.... (if I had the funds I'd buy my own espresso machine!!) And for the record, yes I did send this exact letter off in the form of an email to the customer service department. No responses as of yet.
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Dear Rain,
Do you have any idea how welcome you are right now? I know we've had nothing but rain for two or three days now, but you match my mood and my desire to cook nothing but comfort foods so well. Thank you for not yet ceasing. I heart you!
~Cold, damp and comforted by homemade mac and cheese
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Dear Blood sisters of mine,
Yes I meant it. No I'm not going to be a push over any more. Yes I still love you. No I won't answer the phone when you call right now. Yes you might have damaged our relationship permanently by the way you've treated me over the years but you know what, I'm strong enough to survive that too. No I won't be writing you both out of my life completely but that doesn't mean I have to put up with your childish behaviors. Yes you have been temporarily replaced by my two best friends. No you probably won't get over it, it's ok though. I will. Yes I have moved on and am enjoying life without your bitter complaints. Thank you for never asking.
~Still smarting a bit over how horribly you two have acted and how long I allowed it to go on.
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Dear Readers,
You've put up with my ups, my downs, my gripes, my complaints, my tears and my joys. Thank you for always being there for me, always commenting with kind words and encouragement and reading my blog!
~Pleasantly surprised by how many of you read me!

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Lots of Love,

Dear So and So - 6/11/10

Contemplations from the lonely one...

I have decided that I don't really belong anywhere. I don't miss home (as stated in the previous blog, I really only miss my mother and my children, but not the place itself). I like it here but given that I've only been here for 2 weeks and have yet to actually find a job I haven't really had a chance to meet and make friends (unless you count our crazy neighbor who admit-ably drinks herself into a stupor every day and then uses her bi-polar condition as an excuse to scream at her boyfriend for hours on end - though to be fair she's been perfectly sweet to me so far! She even gave me a gift of two green pepper plants for my garden, I gave her homemade cookies as a "thank you")

Jason's grandmother and I get along pretty well but she lives about 40 minutes from us so visits are few and far between. She strikes me as the type to be there for me just as she is for Jason. I love that about her. It makes me feel.... safe? loved? comfortable? Not quite sure what word I'm looking for there. But it's nice that when I can't have my own mother close by I have not one but TWO secondary "mom's" nearby. The other one would be Jason's mom and while I haven't had the pleasure of getting to know her personally as much as I've gotten to know Jason's grandmother, I like everything I've heard and observed of her so far.

Actually, Jason's mom reminds me a lot of my own mom. My mom used to work as a social worker at the ER at CMC main (the number one hospital in Charlotte, NC) and Jason's mom is a nurse. Both his mother and mine are strong willed women who have had to raise their kids pretty much on their own thanks to deadbeat dad's. They've both overcome difficulty upon difficulty and neither have come out bitter from life's challenges. I've heard Jason's end of conversations with his mom and (based off his responses to her) I've come to the conclusion that she's giving him the same advice my mother gives me.

When I was sick earlier in the week Jason's whole family called to check up on me. Some left me facebook messages (though I was passed out from the pain killers and missed most of them) others called Jason often to make sure I was alright, some did both. Jason's brother drove me where ever I needed to go and kept a close eye on me while Jason was working.

Nothing makes a girl feel loved more than being taken in under someone else's wing. I've never had this before. Most the guys I've dated had mother's who hated me. OK well "hate" is a strong word, I'll give them the benefit of the doubt and say their mothers (and most of the rest of their families) just plain couldn't stand me.

Maybe I've grown up a lot since then.... maybe I've finally picked the right guy.... whatever it is, I'm grateful for the calls, the love, the open armed welcomes, that I've received so far from his family.

Hmmm, I seem to have gone way off topic. My point was that even though I technically don't belong anywhere (other than the kitchen of the 1920's wife) I'm finally OK with that. I am who I am and I don't want to change that. Granted there are always things I can work on or improve, I'm alright with who I am today. I like me.

Friends will come around eventually, but I've decided that it doesn't really matter where I live, I'll never fully belong. I'm unique. I'm silly, sassy, sensitive, and a little too trusting for this day and age. I'm honest, even when it brings me to the point of tears, open and giving. I get mad but I know how to control my temper. I frown at those who give up on life and are content with never trying to be better people. I think the main reason (other than the lack of social interaction) that I have in finding friends is because I'm not looking for a group of people to just go to the local bar with, I'm looking for people to share my life with. And those kinds of friends are hard to find and harder to keep.

Oh don't get me wrong, there are a million of you (OK a few hundred) on Facebook and here and other social networks, but in real life.... those kinds of friends seem to be few and far between.

Maybe this is why I love blogging so much. I can pour out my heart and receive your doting love and attention via comments. I risk very little because if you hate me, well who cares, we don't know each other that well anyway! Lol.

This might also be why I love baking and cooking so much. Everyone may or may not love me, but they all seem to love my food!!

Lots of Love,

Contemplations from the lonely one...