Living Out Loud

Communication is Key....

2011-12-06T17:24:00.001-05:00

I was reading through the blogroll on my phone when I came across DauntlessVitality's blog on Communication. (Click here to read it for yourself). In posting my response I realized I had written quite a lot and decided it might be better to write my response as a blog post instead of a comment. And I should note that usually I would post this on my BDSM blog, but it seems to be pretty universal no matter what your kinks are. So I chose to post it here instead.

Maybe it's the holidays, they tend to bring out both the best and the worst in people. I say this because there are a lot of similar posts (both in the vanilla and BDSM blog world) and I know I have been dealing with similar issues.

Master and I have a 20 minute rule. After we've gotten upset about something (well after HE has gotten upset about something) I am not to bug or bother him for at least 20 minutes. That's long enough for him to calm down, think everything through and then respond - be that with punishment or not. It also gives me 20 minutes to sit here and worry that I may have gone to far, or how I could have better worded what I said, or (in rare cases) calm down because while I know I am right, it's not my place to flaunt that...

Either way, communication has a nasty habit of breaking down at times. Much like your car, you tend to take it for granted, going from place to place, upset that it's not as new and shiny as so and so's or glad it's not the POS that some other person is driving, but never giving it much more of a thought other than oil changes and tire rotations.... until it starts to make weird noises or breaks down or gets a flat.

Then you panic. ESPECIALLY if it's something that could have been avoided by keeping a closer eye on your car and getting it tuned up more frequently)

Communication is pretty much the same. Everything seems to be going just swimmingly, sure you have your little spats, who doesn't. (And for those of us who are kinky we may have spats on purpose every now and then....) But for the most part communication with your loved one goes highly unchecked. (Usually). I like to pride myself on the fact that Master and I are in a BDSM relationship because I swear we have better communication now than we ever have. But it would be naive of me to assume that our relationship is the best or that our way of communicating is the only way. It's great.... for us. It works....for us. But that doesn't mean it's perfect for everyone else too. (In fact I highly suspect that if it was perfect for everyone else, I wouldn't like it much at all lol)

So how do you keep the lines of communication from breaking down? I don't think that's possible. Not entirely anyway. I think the best you can do is keep checking on it, make sure you keep an eye on it every 3-6 months and change it up a bit. But the key to remember is to have backup plans set for when it does break down. How will you and your lover handle it when things break down. Will you fly off the handle and say things you can't take back? Will you bite your tongue and give yourselves time to cool down before you try to fix it?

Before the holidays get too hectic (or maybe they already are?) I think it would be a great idea to sit down and figure out how you and yours plan to handle a communication break down. Especially if you're visiting friends and family. Come up with key words, signals or backup plans for handling a breakdown of communication or to catch one before it happens. But this is just one of many ways to handle things before they get out of control, what kinds of things do you do to keep the lines of communication open?

Lots of Love,

Six Word Saturday - Dec. 3, 2011

2011-12-03T02:20:00.001-05:00

The Cat's Out of the Bag

So to speak anyway.
I let my secret out. Find out all the juicy details here.

Six Word Saturday hosted by Cate
Click her lovely button for more details!

Lots of Love,

What's For Dinner?

2011-11-09T19:20:00.003-05:00

Easy weeknight meals can quickly become boring and too routine. Most people don't think about dinner until around 4PM (when dinner is being made, or about to be made). So how do you keep weeknights hectic free and bring some goodies to the table that don't get repeated too often?

The easiest way is to write out a bunch of things you and your family enjoy eating. For example:

Meatloaf
Spaghetti
Chicken Parmesan
Chicken Marsala
Roast Beef
Whole Turkey (or chicken)
Lasagna
Pizza
Leftovers

That's all you need to start a list. Get the family together and have them give you tips as well. My girls LOVE tacos and my husband loves french onion soup, but these are things that the whole family doesn't necessarily enjoy.

When making out menus I know that every four days I need to plan a night for leftovers (or at least come up with a plan on how to use the leftovers I have). But I do try to make the very next night's meal use up all the leftovers from the night before. So if I am planning on making a pot roast on Tuesday, I know that Wednesday should have something like fajitas, beef stew or beef potpies to help use up the leftover meat. We aren't big on waste around here, we just don't have the funds to "not like leftovers" and while I can't stand eating the same thing three days in a row, I do enjoy making new dishes that no one realizes are in fact LEFTOVERS disguised! And the number one rule here is "I am not a restaurant!" If you don't like something I've made, that's fine, but don't expect me to make a completely different dish for you. My husband will make spaghetti for himself if he doesn't like whatever dinner is, and my kids are welcome to make sandwiches (PB&J or Bologna - nothing special). It helps keep down the pickiness and saves me a whole lot of extra effort.

Keep track of your leftover creations so that next week when you're making a new menu you can incorporate some of your new creations into it. Once a week we have an easy dinner night (ordering pizza, tossing a frozen lasagna into the oven, everyone for themselves) whatever it takes to give me a night off in the kitchen. We also have a strict "The Chef doesn't clean up!" rule. My cousin Goran (who lives with us) cleans the kitchen after every dinner, unless he cooks. He puts away the food for me and the girls help him load the dishwasher. Everyone is responsible for their own plate, but it's nice to know that I don't have to clean up after making dinner. This might be something you want to do in your house too, especially if you have older children.

Yesterday I made a pot roast with a portabella mushroom gravy (sauteed portabella mushrooms topped with one or two cans of cream of mushroom soup and one or two cans of water) and tonight I'm making beef stew. I froze the leftover gravy and plan to use it later this week on top of baked chicken breasts (and I'll call it Chicken Marsala even though it doesn't have any marsala wine in it).

Another great idea is to remember that baked potatoes easily become mashed potatoes, mashed potatoes thicken soups and stews very well. Cheesy mashed potatoes are even simpler to make. Take leftover regular mashed potatoes, add an egg, half a cup of ranch and mix well, bake at 350 for 20-30 minutes, top with cheddar cheese bake another 5 minutes (or until cheese is melted).

Leftover rice freezes really well and is an excellent additive to soups or can be used to help calm down foods your kids claim are too spicy. Reheating rice is pretty simple but it does dry out fairly easily so you might want to add 1/4 cup of water for every 2 cups of rice you're reheating. You can always drain off the excess liquid.

If you work a full schedule, coming up with a list of meals can seem pretty daunting, but trust me it actually saves you time in the long run. Your saving grace will be knowing exactly what's for dinner each night. I keep my calendar near my computer so that as I surf the web or read other people's facebook stats about what they're making for dinner I can jot down ideas and recipes I want to try the next week.

Don't feel compelled to stick to the exact menu plan, it's a PLAN it will change as needed, but having it helps you figure out exactly what groceries you need and keep the "Mommy, what's for dinner" questions at bay.

I write mine in pencil because it does change pretty often. Anyway, I hope this helps keep your hectic week nights a little less hectic!

Lots of Love,

Opinionated!

2011-11-07T12:18:00.001-05:00

A short rant about who I am and why I am like this:

Anybody who has spent any amount of time with me, or reads my blog, knows that I have very strong opinions and I am not afraid to voice them. I love this about me. Some say I don't know when to shut up, that might be true (okay so it's totally true) but at the same time, I feel this deep need to speak up. After all if we never talked about the "forbidden" topics with others, how would we evolve our opinions?

Think about it, if you never talk about the things that are important to you, how can you gripe about the way things are going? Around this time next year (and well before it) you will hear lot's of "No vote, no voice" type things. Next year is voting year, and the big one at that. Everyone will have an opinion, even if it's "Well I don't know how I feel about so and so". Most of us will quickly tire of these conversations and some will even speak up with "Please can we talk about ANYTHING else!?"

But that just proves my point, doesn't it? How am I supposed to know that you don't want to discuss politics unless you speak up?! For that matter, how am I to avoid putting my foot in my mouth if I know nothing about your beliefs, traditions, feelings, etc.

Now there are going to be moments (lots of moments) where I kick myself in the ass later for something I've said, or for accidentally offending someone, or even purposefully taking a topic too far, but then, that's just who I am. I am loud, I am opinionated, I seek to change your opinion or at least further my knowledge about your opinion. If you don't like it, then fine, speak up! Let me know what you think! Debating is one of my FAVORITE things to do, I miss the days of MySpace chat when debating was just about all I did. There is no current outlet for this right now, so I speak up in the WORST places (Facebook, random strangers, Starbucks, etc). But my goal is not to piss you off, my goal is to get you thinking! Do I agree with everything you have to say? No. I don't. But then, if we all agreed on everything all the time, it would be so boring that we might as well give up our rights, freedoms and choices.

This world is so full of differences, it's part of what makes it a wonderful world. You only have ONE life to live, live it LOUDLY. Apologize if you step on toes, but NEVER apologize for WHO YOU ARE.

That is all,

Lots of Love,

Two Short Months...

2011-10-26T02:21:00.005-04:00

In two short months, the turkey will be eaten, the stuffing gone, the pies will have disappeared.
In two short months, the fall decorations will be put away, the last of the leaves fallen from the trees and the first snows will have already fallen and melted.
In two short months, the hectic lines at the shops, the early morning race to get the best deals, the exhaustion from shopping till you dropped, will all be a distant memory.
In two short months the sales will begin again, reminding us of just how quickly this year has flown by.
In two short months, we will look on to the next celebration, the coming of a new year, the passing of the old.

In eight weeks, the tree will be trimmed, the halls decked out, the carols all sung.
In eight weeks, the distant sound of church bells will fade, the plays will have been applauded, the parties all attended.
In eight weeks, no one will care if the house gets a little messy, if the cookies are all eaten or broken, or if the hostess looks a little more tired than usual.
In eight weeks, people will be thanking those who gave a little of their cheer, a little of their pantry, a little of their time to those less fortunate than them.
In eight weeks schedules will return to some form of normal, budgets will be reviewed, bills will resume with the normal post.

In 67 days we will be counting calories again, doing extra sit-ups, and regretting that third piece of pie we had.
In 67 days wrapping paper will litter the floor, fill the trash cans, and remind us of how much we've spent.
In 67 days leftovers will be served as sandwiches, children will be playing with their new toys and parents will be wishing for break to be over already.
In 67 days children will be sugar high and fancy free, desperately trying to finish school projects before school starts again.
In 67 days guests will be packing, saying their sweet goodbyes, or already on their way back home.

We only have 67 days left to plan, save for and purchase that perfect gift for the one we love.
We only have eight weeks before the hustle and bustle of holiday cheer is gone again for another year.
We only have two short months to go before we can let out that happy sigh of a holiday well spent.

Lavish every moment, savor each joy, remember those you've lost, call loved ones who could not visit, and capture all the smiles, tears, thank you's and laughs on film. The holidays are coming and before we know it, they will all to quickly be gone.

Lots of Love,

Six Word Saturday

2011-09-03T06:52:00.002-04:00

Long Month, Longer Week, Keep Going.

They say "Truth is in the eye of the beholder" so you have to wonder about the way you look at things, all things. For example, Jason and I got into a car wreck last Saturday and my car is totaled as a result. (Don't worry, we're both fine, so is the other driver, who by the way, ran a red light and caused the wreck.) Anyway, we had a car wreck on Saturday, and my car is totaled. Yesterday (Friday), I passed a kidney stone that was so painful it put me in the hospital for a few hours.

So where does the point about perspective come in? Well let me give you a bit more of a back story here: Jason and I are trying to budget for a new mattress, and a full size freezer for the house. We were not planning on having to get a new car anytime in the next year or two. But things happen that you don't plan for, that's just the way life goes. Thanks to Jason's awesome savings plan (which he is helping me pick up on) we had enough to cover the rental deposit (our insurance covers the rental for a week) and the prescriptions our doctor gave us for dealing with the whiplash. However, now we have to re-organize our entire savings budget and prioritize our "what do we need/want first" lists.

Most people would duke it out fighting over money, or lack there of. Most people wouldn't be able to handle a kidney stone passing without pain meds until the 11th hour, especially after a major car wreck. And most people wouldn't clean the entire house immediately after being discharged from the hospital, or sit by their crying wife while she was in the hospital doing everything they could think of to keep her mind of the pain. Jason and I are not most people. We never have been, we probably never will be. We take the problems in life and we deal with them together. We fight about silly things like the budget from time to time, but one of us always comes to the other and is 100% honest about how we're feeling, causing the other person to step back and view things from a different perspective. We step into each other's shoes because we really want to make this relationship work. I know Jason works hard to put himself into my emotional states and see why I may be acting a certain way, or reacting differently than he thought I would about certain things. I find myself calming down and thinking before reacting to anything he says negatively. I laugh at myself later for thinking "Use your words, Autumn, he can't read minds, you have to tell him how you feel." Something I have said countless times to my children when they're upset.

August was a tough month for this house. People might say we've had a streak of bad luck lately. But then again, maybe they just need to view it differently. Maybe they need, a little perspective.

Lots of Love,

At Home

2011-08-21T17:21:00.001-04:00

Owning a home is so much different from renting. For that matter, renting a house is a big step away from renting an apartment.
When I was a kid, we always lived in houses, and we almost always rented them. There are only two homes my mother has ever actually owned, one of which I lived in for exactly a year before we moved out into a rental home. The second, she currently owns, but I personally have never lived there.

But I digress. My point is, I have lived in apartments or trailers since I moved out of my mother's house. Neighbors were something you hoped were quiet and waved to you when they saw you, but rarely there long enough to get to know very well. Since moving into a house though, every single neighbor surrounding my house has come by to introduce themselves and sit for a while.

There is nothing as satisfying as sitting around a table, in the cool air conditioning, with a glass of sweet tea, or a cup of coffee and the warm comfort of a good neighbor who just dropped by to say hello. They're respectful and sweet and try their best not to drop by at times that may be inconvenient for me and have all offered to help out with anything we may need till we get settled. Now I know that since my neighbors are also in their 60's and up, chances are they mean "loan you something small you might need if I can remember where I put it last" by "help out with anything you may need" but the sentiment is the same, the feelings of welcome and comfort are still there, and the offer means just as much.

The best part about my house is that while I am still renting it, I already see it as mine. We have the option to buy at the end of the year and so far I think this is where I want to raise my kids, where I want to have more babies with my husband, where I want my kids to grow up, move out and come back to visit as my husband and I grow old here. The neighborhood is in high demand and the housing rates here haven't dropped much at all. The house is pink (much to my husband's embarrassment - and I tease him constantly about living in a home with 5 girls including that pets and a pink house) it's slightly under 3,000 square feet and just big enough to grow with us and then shrink back down as we need it to. What I mean is, each child has her own room and we have room for a nursery when the time comes for babies. We have an RV parking spot with a gate that can not be seen from the street so the yard looks lovely. We have a kitchen that feels just a bit snug right now, but I am sure will feel just a bit too big once the children have grown. The house is neither too big or too small. As Jason and I age, it will be comfortable in size and not feel quite so empty. Plus there will always be room for guests, or children returning from college for the summer, or what have you.

I can see us living in this house until the time comes for us to move into a retirement center. I can see us growing with this house, and it growing with us. I love our new home, our neighbors, and the path we are on. I finally feel at home.

Lots of Love,

Hello, San Antonio!

2011-07-29T12:11:00.003-04:00

Photo courtesy of Langford Photography

Good morning, San Antonio! We arrived on Sunday, July 24th after an incredibly LONG journey from New York. And let me tell you, the getting here was quite the adventure.

Last Friday we packed up the car (the movers had already taken everything but the steam cleaner) and got ready to leave New York for a while (possibly forever, though I hope not because I really did love it there). I packed the steam cleaner in the car and hit the road to the moving company where we had previously arranged a drop off of the few things I needed to clean the apartment before the final inspection and move out date. Halfway to the moving company though I was stuck behind an elderly lady that insisted on going 5-10 miles under the speed limit. I checked my mirrors and changed lanes.... unfortunately I did not account for the speed of the driver in the next lane. Instead of going the 55 miles per hour speed limit, this dumb-ass decides the laws don't apply to him and was going at least 80m/p/h. On top of that, he wasn't paying attention to the traffic around him (sources say he was fiddling with the stereo in his new 2011 car) and when he did manage to remember he wasn't the only car on the road he had barely enough time to swerve out of the way of slamming into the back of me. However his back bumper did manage to swing around and tap mine (I think the frame of my car got knocked, getting it checked out today to see the extent of the damage). Anyway, I was taken off to the hospital after spinning around in my car at least twice. I, thankfully, didn't hit anyone and the other guy didn't run into anyone else. He was unharmed, I have major whiplash and bruises from the seat belt and such but thankfully I can still walk and breathe and such. It could have been much worse and it wasn't.

After spending the day in the hospital getting CAT scanned and X-ray'd and tested for everything under the sun, I was released and told that I was okay to drive that same day. I finally got the steam cleaner to the truckers and then we packed the car and left New York. The majority of the drive was uneventful, though I did manage to blow a tire in Jackson, Tennessee. Some awesome southerners stopped and picked up hubby and the girls and took them to the Dairy Queen while I sat around and waited for the tow truck guy from AAA. He was AWESOME by the way. Since it was 7PM on a Saturday at this point, every single tire sales place in the area was CLOSED for the weekend! Even Walmart was closed. This guy, however, wasn't about to let that stop him from helping out a family in need. He promptly drove me to a buddy's house who owned a tire place, knocked on his door and sweet talked him into helping me out. A few short hours later (I wound up making friends and helping the wife of the tire guy with her computer) we were back on the road.

Somewhere in the middle of Texas, between Dallas and San Antonio, I got the bright idea to stop and see the stars (amazing view by the way! Science is so awesome!!) and we took a small detour to the middle of nowhere. I made the simple mistake of picking a road that was simply one way, with deep ditches on either side, preventing me from being able to turn the car around in any fashion. I turned on the GPS and 6 left turns and 7 miles later we found our way back to the highway, but not before the local wild-life and a farm dog scared the bejesus out of us. Quite the hilarity.

So, three days, two car problems and countless inside jokes later we safely arrived at our hotel in the beautiful San Antonio, Texas. It's hot here, it's gorgeous, it's got so much culture I feel like I've slipped into another world. So far we love it here. We're still at the hotel because the house isn't quite ready for us to move in yet, but the staff here is AMAZING and the people are friendly and wildly entertaining.

Our days are filled with laptop entertainment, the Disney channel and swimming. Our nights come with card games, family jokes and lots of people watching. I might not have gotten the vacation in Charlotte we hoped for, but spending time with my kids and having absolutely nothing more to do than relax has been awesome. So far, we love it here.

The only downside to us moving to Texas is that Glenn Beck has decided to play copy-cat and move here too. Thankfully he's 3 hours away in Dallas, but he's still here none the less. Maybe he'll wise up and move to Alaska where he and Palin can freeze their butts off and bother the moose... meese? Whatever.

Hello San Antonio! We're glad to be here, hope you're ready for our loud mouthed, opinionated, liberal asses. :)

Lots of Love,

Ramblings of a lonely wife (that sounds so wrong)

2011-06-03T03:37:00.001-04:00

I got a subscription to NetFlix and so far I really like it. I have caught up on Monk (which yeah I know it's over now but hey I get to watch all the episodes!) Samantha Who, Drop Dead Diva and Phsyc. I miss funny mystery, just to relax television. When Jason is here I prefer to watch whatever he watches. I like some of his choices but I forgot how much I like silly tv shows too. Jason tends to watch educational things, or dark dramas. Both are nice, but every now and then a girl needs girly shows. It's just the way it is (at least for me anyway).

The kids and I have been keeping the house impecibly clean despite the fact that Jason is not here. In the past we kept the house reasonably clean, but only because it needed to be so. Now it seems as though we really enjoy cleaning (eek!). I set "time limits" to see how fast we can get through chores. My record for the dishwasher is 5 minutes. Ashlie's is 6 and Jessica's is 10. They love that they can walk in their room at any given time and not trip over things they've left lying around. I love that they're starting to keep it clean without me nagging. We used to keep the place clean because Jason requires it (he has Asperger's and a clean environment is essential to him - and I mean clean). Maybe we're doing it out of the fact that we miss him, maybe we keep it clean because it reminds us of him, whatever the reason it's nice to have a very clean house all the time.

Living on my own (okay so it's been 2 days, that counts) has been... educational. I miss my husband like crazy and the kids miss their daddy being around all the time. But together the kids and I have managed to lean on each other more, talk things through, and are bonding in ways I couldn't have imagined. I'm not looking forward to spending the next 4 weeks without Jason, neither are the kids, but we are enjoying getting to know each other better.

I have two cavities that I need (NEED) to get taken care of, it scares the bejesus out of me. I hate dentists. I try to take super good care of my teeth to avoid them, but apparently impacted wisdom teeth have a mind of their own (and really enjoy torture). I plan to make an appointment tomorrow, though since I flipped my days and nights (again) I can only hope I don't sleep all day and miss my chance to make an appointment.

((Sigh)) I know I'm rambling, but I miss Jason. A lot. More than I thought I would (which is odd because I knew I would miss him, I just never realized how much!) I have no idea what the future holds for us. Right now it's a "One day at a time" kind of thing, because I can't think further than that. If I concentrate on the fact that I get to talk to my husband for all of 10 minutes a day I might break down and cry. I cry enough as it is (basket case that I am). And I'm trying to be strong for the girls. Shopping doesn't even make me happy anymore. Ugh. I keep thinking (and saying to the kids) that this is a good thing. It lets us know how much we love Jason, and how much we need him in our lives, and how thankful we are to have him. And it scares me because if anything ever happened to him and we had to say goodbye forever, it would be the death of me on some level. I've never been so dependent on someone else's happiness before. I mean sure, you want your kids to be happy, and thankfully I've never had to go without my babies for too long, but this is my husband. He's quite literally the other half of my heart. And I miss him.

Lots of Love,

Things That Irk Me

2011-06-01T10:38:00.000-04:00

Just a quick note of current things that are irking me:

My husband is in San Antonio (new job) and I can't follow him down there till school gets out for the kids. (I miss him so much!)

My daughters have a bad habit of turning on the AC without shutting doors and windows.

My oldest will show me her "completed" homework and then get a pink slip (detention kind of thing) from her teacher for not doing it - because apparently whatever it is that she shows me is NOT her homework. I don't find this out till the teacher emails me.

My kids CONSTANTLY leave the milk out, doors open and unlocked and bikes out, no matter how much nagging I do.

Since my best friend dumped me I have no one I can just randomly call up during the day for support whenever I need it or to just chit-chat like girls do.

My flip-flops are cutting into my poor feet (I miss the OLD Old Navy style! Why did they have to change the style?!)

I'm worn out from stress of moving (again!), trying to be a "single" mom again, keeping the house clean and worrying about my lonely hubby in San Antonio....

It will get better, but in the meantime, I MISS MY HUSBAND!

Lots of Love,

Goodbye "Friends"

2011-05-27T12:44:00.003-04:00

It's my fault really. I am the one who asked why they chose to delete me as friends and walk out of my life. As an answer I have been met with silence, pity and ridicule. No big deal, I actually half expected that. I'm used to having to learn things on my own. It's part of what makes me an atheist, constant questioning.

I figured that if someone believes so strictly in the bible that they no longer can be my friend then so be it. But just to make sure that they actually know why they shouldn't hang around me anymore, I figured I'd do the research for them (again).

To those who will no longer call me friend because of my refusal to conform to your god, here are your Biblical reasons for "dumping" me. (Let's be honest, chances of you looking this up on your own are slim to none, so I will do the hard work for you, this one last time)

2 John 1:7-11
"I say this because many deceivers, who do not acknowledge Jesus Christ as coming in the flesh, have gone out into the world. Any such person is the deceiver and the antichrist. Watch out that you do not lose what we have worked for, but that you may be rewarded fully. Anyone who runs ahead and does not continue in the teaching of Christ does not have God; whoever continues in the teaching has both the Father and the Son. If anyone comes to you and does not bring this teaching, do not take them into your house or welcome them. Anyone who welcomes them shares in their wicked work."

2 Corinthians 6:14-17
14 Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? 15 What harmony is there between Christ and Belial[b]? Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? 16 What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said:
“I will live with them
and walk among them,
and I will be their God,
and they will be my people.”

17 Therefore,

“Come out from them
and be separate,
says the Lord.
Touch no unclean thing,
and I will receive you."

Romans 16:17-19

17 I urge you, brothers and sisters, to watch out for those who cause divisions and put obstacles in your way that are contrary to the teaching you have learned. Keep away from them. 18 For such people are not serving our Lord Christ, but their own appetites. By smooth talk and flattery they deceive the minds of naive people. 19 Everyone has heard about your obedience, so I rejoice because of you; but I want you to be wise about what is good, and innocent about what is evil.

(Italics added by me)

So apparently I am the anti-christ, I am evil and I know more than you do (what else would it mean by "innocent about what is evil" if I am evil and you are innocent?) and I am not to be welcomed into a Christian's home, and if you're religious (well Christian anyway) you probably shouldn't be my friend if you insist on following the bible literally.... meh. Good to know. Let's move on.

Evangelical Atheist - The heart of the issue:

This is a phrase I have started seeing online more and more. People (in general and on both sides of the spectrum) are griping about the "new Atheists" and how they seem to be shoving their non-beliefs down other peoples throats.

I understand the problems that people may have with "In your face Atheism" as I like to call it, however, in this day and age I honestly think the main goal of people who do this (myself included) is to inform others. It took me 10 years to "come out" of the religious closet and claim my atheism to friends and family. It's taken longer for people to realize I'm serious about it and that this is not a phase.

Some of us (especially those who are "new" to atheism) are still hurting over things said/done by those in the church. I am sure that being raised to follow ridiculous rules and traditions that don't make sense logically can leave one hurting. Add to that any abuse and/or constant harassment by "loved ones" who only seek to "save" others and you have a dangerous mix. In time, people may calm down and see that being so forward is not always a good thing, but I kind of hope that doesn't happen.

I think it is important for there to be links to the religious world from the atheist world, and to treat others as you wish to be treated. However, I think it is just as vital to this nation that people push the "atheist agenda" (another phrase you see too often online). There are millions out there who are doubting what they believe or have been raised to believe. Like abuse, there are many who do not know how to cope with their questions and pain. While they are told they aren't alone, they fear what may happen to them, to their relationships, to their lives, if they speak out.

I see it as part of my job as a human to stand up against injustice when I see it. I am passionate about my atheism, probably because I was so passionate about my religion when I was a Christian, and that failed me too many times to count. Right now, I fully admit to being a bit angry with the religious world and how they have treated me (both when I was religious and especially now that I am no longer a believer). I fully admit to getting hostile and rude more often than not, but I'm okay with that. As they like to say "Sometimes the truth hurts". I do not seek to hold someones hand and walk them through life gently. I know there are many people out there who will do that sort of thing, I am just not one of those people. I much prefer the "in your face" "call bullshit when I see it" kind of approach. It gets people thinking and it leaves its mark exactly where I want it. My behavior may seem like "shoving it down your throat" but I prefer that over being quiet and keeping my passions to myself. If this costs me friendships, then so be it. Chances are we weren't that close to begin with, or that whoever walks off from my friendship was probably not worth my time anyway.

I don't think the world will ever be without religion. It would be nice, but that's just not a realistic hope. In the meantime, I will reach out to others who are fanatic about their beliefs by being just as fanatic about my non-belief. And I will reach out to those who are honestly seeking information as best as I can: gently and (hopefully) without judgement. But I can not sit silently and watch as the religious world condemns the rights of others in the name of their god.

I will reflect on the friendships I shared with you (all of you) and remember the happy moments, the laughs and the tears we shared together. I will not sit around and mope over what has been lost. There's no point in that. I will not seek to change your opinion of me, or to repair what has been damaged. This is who I am, you obviously don't accept that. And that's okay.

Lots of Love,

Good Luck, Kate

2011-05-15T02:49:00.001-04:00

The whole world seems to have fallen in love with a fairy tale. Since the day we found out Kate Middleton said "yes" to marrying her Prince Charming, a spell seems to have been cast over the world. At first I didn't care about the wedding, or the dress or even the girl marrying her prince and becoming a Princess. I remember my mom talking about watching Princess Diana grow up and marry her prince and look at how awful that turned out. So in my odd kind of way I decided not to fall in love with the romance of the wedding of Kate and William.

The problem is I find myself slightly jealous lately. I keep trying to pin down what it is that Kate has that I am jealous over. Maybe it's the fact that she is now a Princess and while I don't really want that kind of responsibility, it's got to be pretty cool to go from "nobody" to "royalty". But then again, I don't ever want to be THAT famous. The poor woman can't even grocery shop without someone snapping photos. She may be a real life fairy tale princess, but she's never going to have the "Happily ever after" part where the movie ends and while we dream about what happens next the world doesn't get to actually watch what happens next. After all, the credits go up, we all sigh and smile and then leave the theater. For Kate though, we will watch until the day she dies (which is just awful and dark on most levels if you ask me).

I think though, that the main reason I find myself looking at her with an odd mix of sadness and excitement is that from what I can read off her photos (all of them) she seems to handle the paparazzi with grace and ease. And while I am (secretly) rooting for her here, I can't help but think of Princess Di and how horribly that turned out. I want to fall in love with Kate, I want to fully root for her and watch her live her happily ever after but I don't want to do any of that if there's even a chance of losing it all before she's 40. I want to know that the real life fairy tale will end happily ever after, or I don't want to watch it at all.

Which means that I am constantly reminding myself that she is only human, and that this kind of life has got to be hard on her and sure she seems to handle it with grace, but how frustrating it must be to have cameras flashing ALL the time. There are days where it's hard enough for me to shower before I run out to pick up the milk or where I think "gosh I'm glad no one was around to see me fall on that ice". But for Kate, chances are there will ALWAYS be someone watching, and nine times out of ten, that someone will have a camera and have snapped "the perfect shot".

I guess I am rooting for her after all. I just find it hard to walk the fine line of "rooting for her while not judging her or falling for paparazzi rumor traps". Ugh. I could never be as famous as that. The paparazzi would drive me crazy and I couldn't do it. Too much stress. I have enough stress in my life as it is, which is why I'm perfectly okay with watching Kate and not being her.

Good luck, Kate. I couldn't do it. And even if I had the chance, I'm not sure I would. Maybe that's why the whole world has fallen in love with her. I mean I LOVE Jason. But I don't think I would have ever given him the chance if it meant that every move I ever made from that moment forward would be recorded in history. And even if she does everything right, the second one of her kids steps out of line, the press will blame her for it. Not her husband, but her. It's not a job I would ever accept. So while I may be jealous of the ritz and the dollar signs and the youthful beauty she has (and those muscled abs! Damn.) I don't think I'd ever want to really be her. I am happy knowing that if I mess up, the world isn't watching with bated breath. And my life is it's own fairy tale. Not something I have to share with every single person around.

Lots of Love,

The Truth

2011-04-21T13:23:00.001-04:00

Justice is not blind, it is corrupt. Cops are merely part of a big gang that wears a blue the country pretends to accept. Their code of honor is fueled by a hate for things they don't understand and their biggest threat is knowledge. They are cowards who hide behind laws that fool people into thinking they are there to protect us.

Their best friends are those who get voted in by paying them off. Evidence is usually planted or made up altogether. By the time a trial roles around, they've bullshit their way through to make sure there's a story the evidence can back up. The get sworn in and then lie on the stand, knowing their own will protect them. The hunt down people who are smarter, richer and happier than they are, because they hate what they do not know and what they can not obtain.

Prosecutors are a special kind of evil though. They slither around the court rooms seeking out weak points in the system. Their only job is to convict, even if they know those under persecution are innocent. The bottom line for them is a guilty conscience. If you have sinned for anything ever, they will work until they make you remember it and feel as though you deserve whatever punishment they choose to dole out on you. They care not that the evidence doesn't add up. They care not that you are innocent of the crimes you are being accused of. They only want to fill the prisons and collect their fees. Their back pockets are full of cash from blood money. They get away with breaking the laws because the cops fear what they could do to them. The cops, after all, know how many innocent lives have been ruined by deceitful ADAs and back water judges. They know what lies in wait for them if they do not bend over backwards to appease them.

Like puppets on a string, we are controlled by those who we assumed would actually keep us safe and protect our freedoms. It's simple really: do as we're told or suffer the consequences. Who cares if what we are asked to do goes against our rights? Who cares if we are innocent until proven guilty? Who needs proof? All you have to do to be cast in the light of "suspicious" is prove that you have something they don't have. Be that knowledge, or power or money or happiness. If you have it and they want it, they can ruin your life until they get it or at least until you lose it.

Justice is not blind, it is corrupt.

Lots of Love,

Random Thoughts on a Lazy Sunday

2011-04-17T13:05:00.000-04:00

We have a rule in our house that says "No phone calls or friends over from 10 to 10." That's 10PM to 10AM. This rule was written mainly because no parent wants a call at 7:30AM on a Saturday asking if their kid can come out and play. When we made the first rule (no phone calls from 10 to 10) the doorbell would ring around 8AM every Saturday, no exceptions, so we added the part about friends being over.

The phone rang this morning the exact second that my clock showed 10:00AM. I groaned and wished secretly that I had set the limit for 11AM, but got my butt out of bed anyway. After all, the morning is half over and I have things to get done. Sure enough, the call was for the kiddos, wanting to know if they could go out and play. I said yes, hoping for a few moments of peace and quiet until I had my first cup of coffee. No such luck.

The doorbell rang twice, around 10:03AM. It was a neighborhood boy looking for my oldest daughter (who is a good two years older than him). He never wants to play with my youngest, only Ashlie. He has such a huge crush on her. If she's not home (like today - she spent the night out at a friends house) he will ask where exactly she is and if it's close enough to ride his bike to. It's so cute and yet kind of sad. This kid is clearly in love with my daughter, and she's not only fully oblivious to this fact, but she does not see him the same way!

Anyway, after telling this boy that Ashlie wasn't home, and feeling sort of sorry for him as he sadly walked away from my front door, I went back to my coffee maker. All I wanted was a cup of joe and maybe a piece of toast. An hour later I'd answered 13 more phone calls, two more doorbell rings and made a complete breakfast of eggs, bacon, grits and pumpkin bread. And of course I did get around to making coffee.

It strikes me though. My kids are pretty popular in our small neighborhood. Maybe it's because they don't judge easily. Maybe it's because they can climb trees, dig up worms and skip rocks with the best of them, all while keeping track of what's in fashion and which Barbie is the newest "must have" on the market. Or maybe it's because kids are friends with anyone else who is their size and close in age. If only it was that easy to make and keep friends as an adult.

I find that my closest friends in this town happen to have kids who play with my kids and get along well with them. Funny how that worked out. Or maybe it's just that apples really don't fall far from the tree. What ever the reason, I am glad to see my girls getting along so well with everyone around us. And I am thankful to them for bringing a little friendship into my life as well. After all, everyone loves to brag about their kids, especially to people who really understand and appreciate the stories you can tell.

Ahhhh Motherhood. Days like today make me smile and want more babies. Then someone spills the milk and the dog runs through fresh laundry with muddy feet and before I can fantasize about being pregnant again I'm off and running to clean up yet another mess. Haha

Lots of Love,

Life in the Fast Lane!

2011-04-14T10:11:00.000-04:00

Can we slow down?

That's pretty much how I feel lately. Like I'm speeding along and trying to remember where the hell the brake is on this thing. It's ironic because I love driving fast, but when it comes to the way life is going right now, all I want to do is take it easy!

I found out (on top of everything else) that I have a few cavities and a UTI (no they aren't related, haha). So before I can even go in and get my nether regions double checked, I have to take care of the infection going on (something about how white blood cells are increased with any infection and it will be easier to test my blood if we take care of everything else first).

I'm a little freaked about the cavities. I've never had a single cavity in my life! And now I have three, THREE! Gah! Stupid wisdom teeth being embedded in my jaw.

Apparently all this stress and infection and other such things wears me out. All I want to do, all day long, is sleep. I used to think that maybe it was a depression thing, now I'm not so sure. I'm on meds for the depression and they are working really well!!

Though it could also be because I've dropped work outs for about two weeks now (due to stress and exhaustion...)

So that's life for me this week so far. Speeding by and wishing to sleep a little more.

Trying to get back into the swing of things takes a lot of energy!

Lots of Love,

Dark Days

2011-04-10T15:54:00.003-04:00

Last week was awful for me. My husband and I had a particularly nasty fight on Tuesday after I stupidly went off my meds for a day. ONE DAY. I thought I would help out the family by waiting for Jason's next paycheck before renewing my anti-depressant perscription. Even though it's only $40 a month, that's still $40 a month! And while we MORE than have it, we don't have the new insurance cards yet. I had no idea how much the meds would cost without the insurance cards and I'm the type to freak out at spending even $5. So I figured, with that in mind, I could wait till Friday (when we got our insurance cards and/or Jason got paid) of last week to get my meds. Being off them for all of 4 days wouldn't make that big of a difference would it?

Boy was I ever wrong. Tuesday night everything came to a head. I got a call from my doctor that afternoon saying that my pap smear test came back abnormal and that they wanted to take some tissues from my cervix to see if there are any precancerous cells or if I have HPV or what ever might be going on down there. Pretty scary info to get. Precancerous cells? Wow. Now I haven't gotten the tests for that done yet, but shit what a way to end a day!

Then, Jason's mother called him with some stupid mundane news about his brother. We have asked her NOT to call us a million times. She always calls with excuses about just wanting to keep Jason informed, but then goes out of her way to insult me somehow. Her calls or emails always leave Jason and I feeling raw, exposed and abused (both verbally and emotionally).

Unfortunately I took my fears and anger out in the form of picking fights with Jason that night. Not being on my meds made me crash emotionally. I came very, very close to calling it quits in more ways than one.

The good news is that I have a husband who loves me more than life itself. And after a few scares and a lot of tears we sat down and came up with a game plan. First thing on the list was to go get my meds, no matter the cost. Second thing we did was email Jason's mother, we want our desires for her to stop contacting us in writing so that if push comes to shove we can file harassment charges if need be. I wrote her the first email, Jason wrote her the second. She didn't get the hint. She insisted on emailing ALL of his email accounts with the same dumb message. So we blocked her. We blocked her name, we blocked her email address, we blocked her phone number from Jason's phone (all her numbers, cell, home and work). Thank you Verizon for that option. We set it up so that if his siblings want or need to contact Jason that absolutely must go through me. I am angry enough at her and yet bold enough in my stance against her to tell her off if she dares try to contact my husband again. I am a protector to the core and I will not allow threats to our happiness or our wellbeing.

As for the cancer scare, well I have three weeks to sit and worry about that before we get the tests done. I don't have the energy to worry about other stuff right now. So I am putting that on the back burner and waiting to see what else the next three weeks will bring me. I am back on my meds and doing MUCH better. I have an incredible support system of friends, family and therapy to help if I crash again.

But this past week was a big wake up call. I don't think I've ever had such dark days before, I hope to never go down that kind of path again.

Anyway, that's where I've been for the last however long it's been since I blogged. I'm back now, and I will try to keep this darn blog up to date more often. Thanks for reading...

Lots of Love,

Dear So & So

2011-04-03T14:04:00.000-04:00

Dear Self,
Stop promising your readers you will blog more. The only thing that comes of it is even less blogging and more guilt over not blogging. Also, oreos are NOT the way to congratulate yourself for working out... at least not if the goal is to LOSE weight.
Just Saying.

Dear Twitter,
You are so addicting. I find myself wanting to tweet all freaking day, but I usually don't give in because I don't want to talk off my followers ears..... so I am blogging out the tweets I want to type. Also, if I could stop communicating via tweets in my dreams that would be nice.

Dear Google Chrome Games,
Did you really have to make the Entanglement button look so darn intriguing? I knew better to click it and yet that pushed me into clicking it anyway and now I have yet another addiction. The last thing I needed was another time waster.... and yet, I can't seem to tear myself away!

Dear Children of Mine,
When I said "You guys can stay up as late as you want" what I really meant was "Please pass out around 1AM" not "Please stay up till 8AM and then throw off everyones sleep schedules as a result.

Dear Motrin,
You've failed me again :( Guess it's time to invest in Excedrin Migraine!

Dear Xbox Live,
I understand that you need to make money. What I don't understand is why when I hit "upgrade" you insist on taking me to an error page. Do you not want my business? Because I'd really like to involve the family a little more on gaming since they all seem to play anyway.... but if you insist on denying the use of my green, I guess I could just get a Wii.....

Dear Readers,
I could continue to write Dear So&So's, I do it all day long in my head because they are so much fun. But the fear of exhausting the few readers who religiously (and lovingly) read everything I write is too much. I can not believe you all continue to follow my blog even though I am so awful at blogging often. You guys are amazing and I am happy to have you reading me :) Thank you from the very bottom of my heart <3

Lots of Love,

Six Word Saturday 3/19/2011

2011-03-19T07:36:00.001-04:00

Happy 28th Birthday to Me!!.

Okay so that's all of four words... oops. Anyway, it's my birthday!!! I have nothing but a day of nothing planned (it's going to be awesome, sleeping in, breakfast in bed, watching movies, reading new books, lots of fun).

I will blog more later (and I have a lot of catching up to do! Two weeks of strep throat left me without a lot to say - or energy to type!) Big changes are coming to our household and I will update you all about it Sunday or Monday!

In the mean time, back to nothingness!!!

Lots of Love,

Six Word Saturday - 3/05/11

2011-03-05T00:20:00.003-05:00

Sneaky move. Don't try that again.

This passive-aggressive bullshit has got to end. I'm done being nice and I'm done playing pretend. Give up your stupidity and get a fucking clue, if we wanted you around, he would have invited you.

Maybe you should have been able to piece together that you weren't really welcome when no one invited you out and you had to invite yourself. You think I've flipped before? You ain't seen nothing yet, honey. You can get past a tigress once or twice. Don't expect to make it a habit.

That is all,

Therapy

2011-03-03T13:51:00.001-05:00

There are so many different kinds of therapy. Retail therapy (one of my favorites, but not when I'm on a budget), baking therapy (cheap and fun!) and of course regular "sit down and talk about it" therapy.

I used to hate therapy. I mean, cried my eyes out, refused to go, hated it. But today is was pleasant. I will not go into details about what was said but I just wanted to drop a quick post saying that it went well.

I am proud of who I am. I am proud of who I am becoming and I am thankful that I am strong enough to not only admit when I can't handle something on my own, but to seek out help as well.

I think being able to talk out the stress in my life to someone who doesn't mind listening to me ramble and helps me struggle through my problems is really going to help me deal with what life tosses at me.

To help me feel awesome about admitting that I need a therapist I got my nails done right after the appointment. I plan on doing some baking later today (planning ahead for Ashlie's belated birthday party). I figure, if I triple up on therapy sessions my first session, then maybe I can keep this serene mood for a while. No harm in trying :)

That is all,

Okay wait, that's not all... I have NO idea how this picture is related to therapy. I could make something uber poetic about how I've been a trapped butterfly in a jar all my life and therapy helps to free me, yada, yada, yada, but the honest to goodness truth is, it's just plain purdy! (That's pretty for you non-southern folk) ;)

Six Word Saturday - 2/26/11

2011-02-25T21:24:00.001-05:00

Not As Easy As I Thought.

For the past few months my emotional state has gone up and down and up and down again. I feel a bit like a tennis ball being bounced around between moods. I've kept a mood journal (two or three short sentences just telling how I feel and what caused the feelings) for a month now and have been to see a therapist to confirm my fears.

I noticed (both from memories and from keeping track of my moods as they change) that I can go from being happy as a clam to crying my eyes out for no real reason. I've noticed that there are some days where I just feel blue and nothing anyone says or does will snap me out of it. I've kept my temper under control but I feel as though it's always there, beneath the surface, just waiting to pop. (And with a mother in law who is determined to make your life miserable, sometimes pop'ing is a desired thing... but I've kept a lid on it and been as lady like as I can muster around her, even though secretly I'd love to just spill all her nasty little secrets to the world. My mama raised me to be better than that and I am hanging onto her words of wisdom for dear life).

You might be wondering what the hell all this has to do with my six words. The thing that is not as easy as I thought it would be is admitting first that I have a problem and second that I can not handle it on my own. I am bi-polar. And I need medicine to help even out my moods.

I don't know about you all but growing up I always heard things like "So and so has bi-polar and has gone off their meds again" which is almost always received by the other person saying "Oh no, not again!".

This lead me to believe at a very young age that people with bi-polar are crazy, and need medicine to control them. (For the record, even admitting this is heart wrenching for me because I know a full range of people read my blog, including but not limited to my ex-husband's family and my horrible MIL. And I feel like admitting this means I am admitting I am crazy - which I'm not.)

I know now that there are certain degrees of this disorder and that I am fairly mild as far as bi-polar disorder goes. I have managed to keep a lid on my more extreme emotions for a very long time, without medication. So why do I need it now? Part of it is because of all the stress I'm under. A lot of it has to do with how much bullshit my mother in law is putting my husband and I through. Fighting with his mother is more like fighting with an ex-wife. It's weird and frustrating and driving me to tears more often than I even like to admit - but it's also something I can and will rise up from.

Stress causes the moods to intensify (well duh) and can push me over the edge and into the blue. Most days I feel like I am drowning in a sea of helplessness that I will never get out of. On rare occasions I am manic (which if you don't know means in a happy state of almost euphoria). I love those days. I get so much done and I feel pretty and sexy and worth something in this world. The medicine helps to not only balance my moods better, but it prevents me from going to extremes as easily. It's also an anti-depressant so I feel happier than I have in a long time.

I feel guilty admitting I need help because (aside from usual stresses most people go through) my life is amazing. I have two great kids, my husband loves me dearly (he even cleaned the whole house for me this week, just because he knew I needed the extra rest!) I live in a pretty safe part of town and my kids go to really good schools. I feel like I am betraying them all by needing more.

Anyway, they say admitting you have a problem is the first step to solving it. I say only time will tell. This is nothing I can fully solve, but it something I can learn to live with.

That is all.

Lots of Love,

Happy 10th Birthday, Ashlie!

2011-02-18T00:40:00.000-05:00

I can not believe I am now the mother to a 10 year old! How did 10 years go by so fast?! This post is dedicated to my awesome Ashlie! I love you baby!

My Dearest Ashlie,
You are so sweet. You have such a big heart. You desire to help others in ways that impress and amaze me. After 10 years of getting to know and love you, I can't help but continue to be impressed by you.

Your kindness overflows and pours out on everyone around you. You strive to be the best and yet you slow down and let others win. You don't put up with crap that some people try to pull and you're as strong willed as your mother (sometimes stronger). You call it like you see it and aren't afraid to stand up for others.

You have such a strong personality. You light up the room when you're having a good day and you cheer others up when they are down. Ten years ago I was sure I was going to mess up somehow as I raised you. We've had our ups and downs and our tears and fights, but over all I think we're doing pretty well.

You come to me when you need me, you laugh with me and cry with me, you match me in everything I do and surpass me where you can (math and science for one!). You areone of my fingerprints on the world. A carbon copy of who I am and a 3-D print out of who I want to be. You inspire me to try harder, do better and push further so that you will continue to follow in my shoes.

You are the best thing that happened to me 10 years ago, and one of the best things in my life today. I love you so much it hurts (but in a good way!)

I can not believe you are already 10! Part of me wants you to slow down and not grow up so fast, but the other part of me is enjoying watching you grow up into a lovely young lady.

I hope your day today is full of smiles and laughs and that all your birthday wishes come true!

I love you, forever and always.

Lots of Love,

Dear So and So and an Award!

2011-02-17T22:06:00.003-05:00

Here's to Friday *cheers*

This week has been supremely awful. The highlight of it (so far) was lunch at Aunt Judy's house on Thursday. Other than that, it just plain sucked.

Dear Starter of "Dear So and So"
I can not for the life of me find your button, I am sure it's on here somewhere and if I can find it before this posts, great, but if not, so sorry!
~This idea wasn't mine but I love it

Dear Best Friends Car,
Desirae has been amazing to you. She takes care of you, she gets your oil changed when needed, and she loves you very much. If you could please, please, please stop breaking down on her we would all be able to breathe a little easier. THANKS!
~A worried best friend

Dear Karma (my dog),
When I graciously let you sleep in the bed with Jason and I, throwing up on it is not how you say "Thank you". But thanks for not getting it on me! (ew.)
~Grossed out and doing laundry at 4am

Dear Petty People,
(You know who you are) I am a trustworthy, reliable person. It might be hard to make good friendships for me, but that's because I'm so damn picky as to who I hang out with. You didn't make the cut for a reason; you aren't worth my time and effort. If you have a problem with this, I suggest you google therapists in the area and bitch to someone who cares (and gets paid to hear it!)
~Done with the Bullshit

And last but not least, an AWARD!

Dear Doctor who will not be named,
You have horrible bed side manners. I won't go into just how awful you were simply because this is a public blog and the last thing I need is more heat from certain family members (see previous posts). HOWEVER you totally deserve this award for being a pompous bitch who should retire early or change careers.
This one's for you!
~Not dealing with petty bullshit

Lots of Love,

Motivation and Determination

2011-02-15T07:54:00.001-05:00

After blogging about redoing the Couch to 5K program a few weeks ago I promptly got sick and told to stay off the treadmill. BLEH! Nothing kills motivation like a sinus infection! (But the chick in this picture can boost it right back up again, I would kill for a body like that)

It is now Tuesday, February 15, 2011. I am going to start the couch to 5K program again tonight. I hope my body doesn't thank me by getting sick again... haha, but just to make sure I stick with it, I have three people holding me accountable (though they all told me to follow the doctors orders and stay in bed when I got sick, no matter how much I griped about it.)

I'm supposed to be taking it "slow" whatever that means. I'm taking it to mean "you can work out, but don't push it too hard" and I plan on ignoring it. Lol. I won't push my body past it's limit, but I won't sit around for ages either. I don't need to injure myself but I can't keep sitting here and doing nothing!I have to get back up on the horse, so to speak, I just have to! My weight has fluctuated up and down since the last time I dedicated myself to running. While I haven't hit my highest weight that I was last year, I seem to have gotten stuck in the middle between my goal and my highest weight yet. I can not live another day without working out, or doing something to help my weight drop.

In other news, I have managed to completely go vegetarian. Jason and I were talking about how hard it was for me to cook meatless dishes for me and watch as they (my family) enjoyed steak and chicken and lasagna and such. So we decided to make the entire family Lacto-Ovo vegetarians at home. The kids eat meat at school at lunch time, and Jason can order meat at lunch when he goes out (for work) if he wants. But I am to stick to a 100% vegetarian diet.

I still buy meat for the kids and Jason once a week just because I don't want them to feel forced to follow my new life plan (it's really not a diet). Every now and then they will pick my dinner over whatever meat is served. I think that's so cool.

The good news is (yes it gets better) I absolutely love to cook, so learning new recipes and how to incorporate "side" dishes into main dishes is a lot of fun for me. My new food processor (thanks to my husband for such an awesome Valentine's Day gift) has already gotten a LOT of use! You always hear about how helpful they are, that is such an understatement. One review of the food processor got it right though, it's like having your own personal sous chef. It does all the prepping and it does it SO FAST that it makes throwing together the meal easier. Now if only I had my own personal maid too...

Lots of Love,

Happy Valentine's Day!

2011-02-14T08:12:00.001-05:00

It's here! It's here! An excuse to make goodies, celebrate the colors pink, red and white and reminding people of why I love them so much!!

My plan for today (in pictures!):

Baking cookies for the neighbors

Decorating the house for ~~dinner~~ the hell of it

Making doctor appointments (it's still Monday after all)

Going to the kids' Valentine's parties at school

And finally, gift exchanges!

Hubby bought me flowers, chocolates, a Rug Doctor steam cleaner, the CuisineArt 7 Cup Food Processor some dishes we've been eying for a while and a 5 quart cast iron dutch oven (to replace the one I lost in the move). I got him several books he loves, an organizer for ticket stubs (he collects them from all the different places he has to travel) and several xxx rated coupons (like we need an excuse to have a little fun in the bedroom! Hah!) Somehow I think I got the better end of the deal as far as gifts go!

Hope all of you have an AWESOME Valentine's Day as well!

Lots of Love,

Spring Cleaning is a Weekly Thing!

2011-02-13T07:55:00.000-05:00

It is Sunday. In my opinion Sundays should be lazy days. Days dedicated to baking or reading, or sitting around and doing nothing. Sundays are the last day of the weekend. The last day to get out and enjoy the sun (or indoor pool) without worry about how much time you're spending doing it.

Sundays in my house however are cleaning days! The kids, the hubby and I all dig in, roll up our sleeves and get down and dirty (so to speak). The girls clean their entire room (a day long task no matter what day it is, or when the last cleaning was - you'd think they weren't really even cleaning - haha), Jason and I tackle big things that we've put off all week (organizing the garage, building new shelves for the kitchen, going through old clothes, etc) and of course we all chip in to get normal every day things done (laundry, dishes, organizing of general spaces).

The point is to get the house in a better shape and make it easier to face the week. At the end of the cleaning escapades (somewhere around noon) I vacuum and steam clean all the floors (every single week! Two dogs + two kids = Lots of steam cleaning!)

I make a big pot of soup for dinner and it cooks in the crock pot all day long. This way, once the house is clean and the carpets shampooed, we really can enjoy the rest of the day doing absolutely nothing. Though maybe, with all the recent stress added on, I should do a little yoga. I'm sure that will help me to relax!

Ommmmmmmm

(if you need me, I'm busy doing nothing ;)

Lots of Love,

Six Word Saturday - 2/12/11

2011-02-12T14:40:00.000-05:00

Never been one to hate Valentines

day! (Okay so that's seven words... but you get my point). I love, love, love, Valentine's Day. Even when I wasn't in a romantic relationship, I loved it. Maybe it's because my favorite colors mix together so beautifully, maybe it's because the promise of my birthday and then spring follow quickly behind Valentine's day, whatever the reason I have ALWAYS been in the Pro Vday camp.

How can you NOT love a holiday that is dedicated to brightening up someone's winter blues?! Some people think Christmas is the season of giving, well I have to say Valentine's Day just extends that. It's a warm note on a cold day in the middle of a month that would otherwise be pretty bleak. We need it. Three months from Christmas to Spring without something to look forward to in between is just too long.

So for those of you getting all cranky because of over priced flowers and chocolates, find another way to tell those in your life that you love them. You don't have to be dating or married to love someone. Spend your day focused on giving and you'll have little to complain about. (I hope)

Lots of Love,

Aunt Judy

2011-02-11T07:33:00.000-05:00

(Getting to know the family - Part 1)

Every Thursday, I take Jason's great aunt, Judy, out to lunch. It's a fairly new tradition and something I have been wanting to do for a while. Jason's aunt is a feisty old woman who has a real zest for life.

The first time I met her I just loved her and we have gotten along well ever since. I plan my whole day on Thursday to be spent with her. I show up early and help fix up stuff around her house, and then we have a fabulous lunch out somewhere (we rotate who gets to pick the restaurant) and then we run errands together (like putting gas in her car, getting groceries, buying stamps, whatever needs to be done).

It's a lot of fun learning about who she is, who she was and what she's learned about life. There's just so much to learn from people who have "been there" and "done that" and are willing to talk about it!

She inspires me to embrace who I am, and reminds me not to let anyone push me around into doing things I don't agree with. She speaks her mind and has a sparkle in her eye and just LOVES life.

When I married Jason, I knew I was getting the best guy in the world, I had no idea I was getting the coolest relatives too. (I'll blog about how awesome his Grandmother is soon!!) I keep getting blown away by how kind and loving his family is to me. And I feel like the luckiest girl in the world for having such opportunities to get to know them all better.

Lots of Love,

Word of the Year 2011

2011-02-09T07:22:00.000-05:00

Last year I did a blog post about the Word of the Year. My word for last year was "Goals" and while I didn't blog as much as I wanted, I did achieve a lot of my goals. {Moving to NY, getting married to the man of my dreams - which granted I did 1/10/11 but still)}

In keeping with this (new) tradition I have (finally) picked a word for this year: Peace.

Wikipedia defines Peace as: a society or a relationship that is operating harmoniously and without violent conflict. Peace is commonly understood as the absence of hostility, or the existence of healthy or newly healed interpersonal relationships... peacetime is the absence of any war or conflict.

I picked this word because it has quickly become my motto this year. With my MIL being such a pain and going out of her way to destroy peace in my home, I have quickly learned how to ignore her tantrums and create peace in any situation.

With two daughters who are entering their tween years (and therefore constantly at war with each other) I am learning how to settle the storms and remind them that they are also best friends.

"Peace" speaks volumes to me. It reminds me to center myself. It reminds me to stop and smell the roses, to savor the good things in life and to remember what's really important.

Silly fights, petty people and injustice are all around us. This year, I want my focus to be on Peace.

Lots of Love,

Sick :(

2011-02-07T22:07:00.000-05:00

In October my husband and I had a big debate about the flu shot. I am all for them. I get one EVERY year. Except last flu season (2009) and I wound up getting the flu TWICE. Once in October (2009) and once in May (2010).

This year I practically ran to the doctor's to get the flu shot. Jason did not get one. Guess who has the flu?

Not him!!

That's right, apparently I got a strand of the flu that the shot doesn't cover. How messed up is that?! Bleh.

Thankfully though this strand has been shown to only last 2-5 days instead of the usual 7+ days that normal flu can last. So if you need me, I will be cuddled up under the covers until I can breathe through my nose again.

Oh on a side note: this is the first time I have been sick since turning 100% vegetarian - and I actually DON'T crave meat. No chicken soup for me, thanks, I've got vegan split pea soup and some awesome Hummus soup (courtesy of Oh She Glows blog - LOVE HER!) {Photo of soup taken straight from her blog too, she gets all the credit}

Lots of Love,

Breaking the Silence (again)

2011-02-06T14:19:00.003-05:00

It is painfully obvious to me that we will never settle our differences. Mostly because you have already made up your mind about me, but also because you refuse to have anything to do with me (after all, if you refuse to hang out with Jason and I, you get to keep your small minded opinion of me and nothing I say or do will ever threaten that, because you'll never see or hear it! Brilliant plan) Honestly, that's fine. I no longer care about what you think of me as a person. You are too set in your miserable ways to focus on anyone but yourself.

It is ironic that you tell Jason you don't want me speaking negatively about ANYONE including my ex's when you yourself have NOTHING pleasant to say about YOUR ex. Funny how you went to such extremes as to cut him out of your life, but your children didn't follow that example isn't it? I can only hope they do the same when it comes to me.

Time is running out on your clock here, honey. Jason no longer has a desire to reconcile his relationship with you, his siblings are sure to follow his example. It saddens me that you've allowed it to get this far. You're supposed to be setting good examples for your children, but you're too scared to do that.

You told Jason you can never trust anyone again, never love again. I call that cowardly. It's been 12 years, let it go and move on with life. It has so much to offer you!

You probably don't want anything from me, but you have my pity. I can not imagine a world where I exclude everyone in my family simply for having a different opinion. My sisters and friends and I have our spats every now and then but we have always made up. You would rather cut off your right arm than admit you were wrong, or apologize for anything.

You talk about how I have no friends, have you looked around lately? I have plenty of friends, I keep those I care about in my life no matter who tries to say otherwise. I go out of my way to keep my friendships alive. Who do you turn to? Other than your sons? Again, I can't help but pity you.

Things will never be smooth sailing for us, which is fine, so be it. I can not change your opinion of me, but you will no longer keep my opinion of you silent. I've been controlled by silence before, never again.

At this point I figure telling it like it is can't really do any more damage than your lies are doing, so why not tell it like it is. I think you did an amazing job raising Jason, Josh, Kameryn and Keenan. However, I disapprove of you cutting them off from their father and grandmother and that side of the family and how dare you speak ill anyone on that side of the family! You barely knew them!

I am who I am and Jason loves me for it. You can call this rift you've caused between you and him a "divorce" if you want to, but please keep in mind that you are his mother and that you were never his wife.

I am done playing the silent role. I am done playing the victim. You will not ruin life for Jason and me, you will not ruin the relationship he has with his siblings. You can only control them for so long before they realize what you have become.

No one is perfect, everyone has faults, but most people find good things to say about others as well. You have closed off your home, your life, your children and yourself to me. I will never do that to you. I will always have an open door to you for when (if) you choose to have a relationship with Jason and I. I will never be the one to destroy the image your children have of you because you will do that all on your own in time, if you don't change. It is pathetic that your hate for me is greater than your love for your son.

I will always invite you to family events (I haven't excluded you yet - you can lie all you want about Jason's birthday last year, you canceled because your Grandfather passed away, which we totally understood, but to tell people I didn't invite you? Ludicrous. You helped plan it, remember?) I will always make sure you are updated on the ins and outs of our lives, though until you step back and allow us in you will be kept at arms length.

That is all,

Photo courtesy of @AudreyHuntley

Six Word Saturday - 2/4/11

2011-02-05T12:44:00.001-05:00

Mushroom Bisque and homemade bread, yum!

This is my dinner plan for tonight. I made dinner rolls a few nights ago and they were just okay. Nothing beats the fresh taste of warm bread, straight from the oven. I've looked up a couple of recipes for bread, and I think I'll make "Dakota Bread" with the nuts and poppy seeds and warm homemade goodness!!

I can't wait for supper time....

Lots of Love,

Run, run as fast as you can!

2011-01-19T09:00:00.001-05:00

I have started the C2 5K program all over again. I did most of it last year (up to about week 7 I think) but then I moved and things got crazy and workouts quickly took a turn on the back burner.

My moods got a bit darker though as the number on the scale crept higher and higher and I hate to admit it but I have put on about 20 pounds. Ick. So I have decided to get back into running.

My saving grace was Jason. He practically dragged my ass to the gym yesterday and put me on the treadmill. I used every excuse in the book but Jason didn't accept any of them. We worked out together (which was really awesome). I had my headphones in the whole time, but it was fun to watch him match my pace at each interval and encouraging to know he was not only supporting me, but right there alongside me.

I ran 1.65 miles in 31 minutes so I am running about a 20 minute mile. SO SLOW! The good news is that my run felt easy. I pushed myself hard but I really enjoyed running. I expected it to be just as hard this time around as it was the first time I started running last year, but it wasn't. I had fun with it, I listened to P!nk's Raise Your Glass almost the entire run (thank you repeat button) and I had a blast.

I am running on the treadmill this time around and I love it! I knew last year that I would probably prefer the treadmill to the road, but I didn't really have that option. Treadmill running is easier on my joints and my mind. I can set the temp and not worry about snow, ice, freezing winds or whatever else I would have to worry about when running outside. I do set the treadmill on a 1.5 incline (which I plan to increase as time goes on) so that when the weather warms up I can easily switch from indoor running to outdoor running.

The first run went off without a hitch (okay a small hitch, I didn't think to dry off my shoes completely from the icy walk over to the gym and I came pretty close to slipping on the treadmill and busting my ass, but I recovered before that happened and then paused to dry off the shoes and treadmill.... but I was smiling the whole time!)

Looking forward to getting my body back,

Lots of Love,

Frustrations and Heartache

2011-01-18T14:09:00.001-05:00

This poster has started to mean so much to me lately. I feel like the underdog in quite a few things, but they make for great blog posts so I will address them one at a time.

Jason's mother is proving to be more difficult than I gave her credit for. I had really hoped she would get over her misconceptions about me and accept me simply because her son loves me, but she would rather pretend I don't exist and that Jason didn't marry me than anything else. I know she is against this marriage but she has gone to an extreme. On top of other things, she is trying to keep me from having anything to do with her or her family. Jason thinks she has "attachment disorder" which adds up, but is close to impossible to treat. (Treating it means getting her to admit there is a problem and going to therapy to fix it, but one of the symptoms is that the person never takes responsibility in their actions... so yeah)

I miss the way things were. I know she barely tolorated me, and I know she made horrible comments about me to Jason behind my back, but at least she was there. At least she was talking to us. How sad is it that I prefer her disrespect over her silence? I hurt for Jason mostly though. He says this doesn't upset him, but I don't understand that because it upsets me.

It breaks my heart. I hurt for Jason, I hurt for his siblings (who have been thrown into the middle of all this) and I hurt for her. She needs good therapy and maybe even some anti-depressants (nothing wrong with either of those things by the way, I think everyone could use a little therapy).

I dream of the day where we can be a real family, but my fear is that is just a dream. In reading "Toxic In-Laws" (hate the title, love the book) I have come to the painful realization that she doesn't have to accept me. She doesn't have to like me and she isn't required to love me simply because Jason loves me. It sucks.

I have decided to continue being me though, to love her through my love for Jason. To stand up for my rights when they get violated but to love her anyway. She doesn't have to love me, but she can't stop me from loving her (or who she has potential to be anyway.)

“Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do.”
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Lots of Love,

Information on attachment disorder can be found here: http://www.buzzle.com/articles/attachment-disorder-in-adults.html It fits Jason's mother to a T.

To My Husband

2011-01-10T11:00:00.002-05:00

Dear Jason,
Three years ago I was bored on a late summer afternoon waiting for my kids to get home from school. I was finished with my own school work and tired of watching TV. I just wanted an escape from my current reality. I logged onto Myspace and somehow discovered they had chat rooms. From the moment I entered I knew my life had changed. There were so many people!

Our first conversation in an instant message was a disaster. I came away wondering who this jerk was and why everyone was so enthralled by him, but there was something unforgettable about you. Something that made me think about you even when we weren't in chat. Even back then, before we formed a friendship, I found myself working out more, going the extra mile in my school work, and trying harder at everything I was involved in. Just being near you made me want to better myself.

Along the way we became fast friends. Through heartache we leaned on each other. When in despair we surrounded the other in an unspoken love, built on friendship and trust. You inspired me to keep pushing for a new position in work, and I got it. You inspired me to start running, and I did. You encouraged me to push myself to new limits and congratulated me when I accomplished my goals.

When the ground fell out from under me, you asked me if you could rescue me. You spent time with my kids to get to know them better too. You helped and still help Ashlie and Jessica with their homework. You randomly pick up around the house when you notice I'm tired and lagging behind in my chores. You have always had our best interests at heart.

When I came to visit you, you put me first. When I moved here, you continued to put myself and my children first. You bent over backwards to get us to New York. You consoled my mother and answered all her questions for you. You were respectful and understanding of my father and you even managed to charm my sisters. Like myself, they have all fallen in love with you (though hopefully not in the same way..)

When we fight, you never let your anger control your actions or reactions. You always keep your wits about you, even when I lose mine. You always welcome me with open arms after I apologize for my behavior, and you surround me with your love. And when you're wrong, you admit it.

Men like you are supposed to only exist in fairy tales. I don't know (or fully understand) why you love me, but I am so grateful for your love.

I, Autumn, take you, Jason, to be my lawfully wedded husband, secure in the knowledge that you will be my constant friend, my faithful partner in life, and my one true love.
On this special day, I give to you in the presence of our friends and family, my pledge to stay by your side as your wife, in sickness and in health, in joy and in sorrow, as well as through the good times and the bad.

I promise to love you without reservation, respect you always, comfort you in times of distress, encourage you to achieve your goals, laugh with you and cry with you.

I promise to grow with you in mind and spirit, to always be open and honest with you, and to cherish you for as long as we both shall live.

With this ring, I thee wed,

The Joy of Cooking

2011-01-07T10:00:00.008-05:00

Around Christmas time, Mama called me to ask if I had Grandma's recipe for Chocolate Mayonaise Cake. (Which I did) Then my cousin Alice called to see if I had Grandma's recipe for baked ham (which I did) and at some point, the kids asked me to make Grandma's Russian Tea.

I remember when I was a little girl (about 9 or 10 or so) I asked if I could have Grandma's cook books when she passed on. Mom told me that was a rude question, but Grandma laughed it off and told me to memorize her cooking as I grew up, she couldn't garentee she would remember to give me her cookbooks when she died. She planned on living for a long time.

She passed away August 2010. 18 years after she and I had that conversation. I have dutifully spent the last 18 years calling Grandma and asking for random recipes, and then writing them out, typing them out and memorizing them. Every time I make something of hers I am brought back to her kitchen, where I can here her sweet voice telling me to add a little more, or that there aren't cooking mistakes, just new recipes.

Now I am the go-to-girl for Grandma's recipes. People call me to ask how to perfect something or to help them recreate dishes Grandma used to make. I love that I am helping pass on Grandma's traditions and bring back old memories of her at the same time. She did not have her cookbooks to pass on to me. She wound up having to move into a retirement center somewhere along the path of life and lost the cookbooks in the move. But that didn't stop me from creating nearly perfect replicas of her amazing dishes. My next challenge is to find "soft sugar cookies" that she used to make. I will make a batch and send it off to my mother (and possibly her sisters) for testing.

I recently cooked lamb chops for my hubby to be (he's never had lamb before) and the scents that filled my kitchen took me back to Grandma's. I made a French Onion soup from the leftover lamb and with every bite, I remember things about Grandma's house and her way of life. Funny how the sense of taste can bring back as many memories as the sense of smell.

The last time I had lamb, Grandma had cooked it. It warms my heart to know that I will keep cooking it, and keep remembering her, as the years go by. One day, my daughters will be cooking her recipes for their families and so on and so forth. There's a lot of love in cooking. No wonder it brings me such peace :)

Lots of Love,

I do!

2011-01-06T09:30:00.002-05:00

Jason and I are eloping. I have had to change the date 5 or 6 times so far due to ~~his horrible mother who keeps trying to ruin it~~ mishaps. First Jason couldn't get his birth certificate, then he got it, then I couldn't find mine, so we ordered it, then there was a scheduling mishap with one of the guests (can you elope if you have guests?) so we had to accomidate for that.... etc. I am WORN OUT! And it looks like I might have to change the date AGAIN! Lol. I swear, I just want to say "I do" already and start the marriage!! Gah!

I love the fact that Jason's family will be in attendance though (okay most of his family-let's not go there...) since mine are too far to come. If we planned a big hooplah for next year my family would most likely be able to make it, but I don't want to spend $20,000 on the wedding... and neither does Jason. If we spend that kind of money, we want to spend it on the marriage (a house, or a family vacation, or something) not on a big party. Especially not a big party where we ask everyone to buy us gifts. The plan is to save that money and spend it on a big house. One with enough rooms in it to accomadate people who travel just to see us (to save them money on a hotel!)

So we are "eloping". The date has moved from 12/31 to 1/7 to 1/10 and is currently sitting at 1/11 but we may go back to the 7th or the 10th, it just depends on when my f*cking birth certificate gets here!! (You expect things to arrive quickly in this world, and in truth it's been only a few days, but seriously I want it NOW!) Bleh. I am paniced and losing sleep and trying to accomadate everyone and stressing out and it's not even a full sized wedding! I can not tell you how happy I am that we are only eloping! Add any more stress to my day and I might just crawl in a corner and cry till it's over.

A friend of mine told me that the best wedding she ever went to was more of a back yard barbque than a wedding. Everyone was relaxed, no one (not even the bride) really dressed up, and everyone had fun. That is the idea I am using to throw this wedding together. Fun, relaxed, celebration of our love. We are getting married in the park or in my living room, the reception will have finger foods (like chicken salad sandwiches, burgers, hot dogs and chips) and since it's so cold out I might not even wear a dress! I think it would be fun to get married in jeans. (Please don't freak out, I do have a dress, it's a red cocktail dress, but it's a dress... if I give in I might actually wear it for the 15 minutes it takes to say "I do")

The best part about all of the stress though is finding the silver lingings. Jason and I laugh it off at the end of the night and talk about how silly we feel freaking over details about a cake I am baking myself, or if everyone will like chicken salad, or what have you. When the stress feels like too much to handle I go to TheKnot.com and remind myself of all the crap other brides have to do for their weddings, and then I thank my lucky stars I don't have to go through that! No wonder the day before the wedding is spent pampering the bride!! She just spend the past 6+ months freaking out!!

Whenever and where ever we wind up saying those magic little words doesn't matter. What matters is that they get said, and that we mean them. I don't want to be a bride anymore, I want to be a WIFE!

Lots of Love,

Screw it! I'm blogging anyway!!

2011-01-05T09:31:00.000-05:00

Recently I ran into some future mother in law problems that had me running in a panic to shut down my blog. But then I realized that this would not solve anything. Sure it would keep her from using my own words to prove that I'm all wrong for her son, it might even get her off my past for a bit... but she would just find new ways to show her extreme disaproval and anger at me... and she did.

I could totally go anonymous and start all over with the blog, but I worked my ass off on this one. I spent almost a year (has it been a year?) pouring out my heart, my frustrations, my joys into this bit of myself. I went from blog to blog commenting and reading and laughing with my readers about their lives and my own. I feel like I became part of a small community of moms, grandmothers and even a few men, who all found solice in blogging.

I refuse to conform to her idea of perfection. Jason loves me for who I am. He fell in love with me for who I am. Why on earth would I want to change that for his mother?! It doesn't make sense when I say it out loud, I already have the man of my dreams, I don't need the approval of his mother, just of him... and I have it!

So I have decided to keep my blog open. This will continue to be a place where I randomly seek comfort, love and support of my friends and family, this will continue to be how I keep everyone updated on our lives and things we go through. This is my blog. I will not give it up for anyone other than Jason.

So Screw it! I'm blogging anyway!

Lots of Love,

The Nook

2010-12-07T20:55:00.000-05:00

For Christmas this year three of the four family members are getting Nooks. My boyfriend, my daughter and I all asked for and will all receive these special little e-readers. Christmas at our house came early this year (we actually celebrated Christmas a while ago for various reasons) and I am happy to report that everyone got exactly what they asked for. Jessica (our youngest - she's 8) is the only one who requested something different than a Nook. She asked for a Nintendo DSI instead (which is fine, we have plans to get her a Nook this spring to encourage her reading as well)

Top Reasons to go with a Nook:

1) It runs on the Android Operating System, so it works with just about every other OS out there.

2) It's compatible with the local library - I can borrow a book and have it sent to my Nook automatically, when it's due, it sends itself back - no late fees!

3) They sell refurbished ones that are just as nice as the new ones for half the price of a new one! (Perfect for the 10 year olds in the family!)

4) You can lend e-books to friends (who also have the Nook or an Android based OS.... they're working on making it compatible with other e-readers)

5) They aren't as pricey as other models out there and the customer service is superb bar none.

6) Most the e-books we have wanted (and there are THREE of us buying) are under $10 or better yet - FREE. Ashlie's "The Lost Hero's" book was the most expensive one we've bought yet. (Yes you can find more expensive e-books, but there are some really awesome ones under the $5 price range to read while you wait for those above the $5 range to go down in price!)

I spent months researching e-readers and tablets trying to find the "perfect" one. I looked at the Kindle (no thanks!) and decided it was a bit too much like anything Apple for me (questionable in politics, pricey in products and unethical in programing).

My favorite was actually The Alex by Android, but at $500 per e-reader I needed something a bit more reasonable (especially since one of the people getting the e-reader is barely 10 years old!) The Alex is also more of a tablet than an e-reader (which means color screen, and therefore glare.... now I know the Nook also has a new color Nook available, but if you want it to seem like you're reading an actual book - go with the regular nook.)

I was all set to buy Sony's version of the E-reader till I read about it's problems with PDF files and how incompatible it seems to be with Linux (an operating system the boyfriend and I prefer over Windows).
Then the lovely sales people at Barns and Nobel told me more about the Nook...

The atmosphere around here is calmer too. We still eat dinner every night as a family and almost always have some freshly baked dessert to follow, but the conversations are deeper, the inspiration is more fluid and the laughter seems to flow a bit faster. I don't know, maybe it's not exactly all thanks to the Nook. Maybe we're tighter and closer knit simply because we're reading more, but the Nook certainly makes that task easier!

I love sitting in line now. It gives me an excuse to pull out the Nook and read. I love sitting on my couch and reading and then pausing to take in the scene around me. Once upon a time evenings in my house consisted of loud radios, louder TVs and blaring video games. Lately though it's been nicer and easier to relax around here. Ashlie, Jason and I can be found nose deep in an e-book and Jessica is usually playing one of the Brain Games I got her to go with the DSi. On top of that we normally have Classical music or something light (like Owl City, Imogen Heap or The Beatles) playing in the background.

In short, the Nook is probably the BEST gift I've ever gotten and certainly the best I've given. I am so proud of my family full of avid readers, and so excited to see how long this new reading fad lasts (my fingers are crossed that this lasts years!)

What perfect gift are you giving this year? An e-reader perhaps?

Lots of Love,

Updates on the RSH family....

2010-11-10T21:06:00.000-05:00

((RSH stands for Reed, Sanchez, Horton.... our blended family has so many last names we decided to just call it the RSH family!))

The past two months have brought many things: Jason and Jessica both had birthdays, school activities found a “normal” schedule, DrawerSteak (our company) found more clients and Karma (my dog) finally learned some new tricks.

I've had two opportunities to help out Jessica's class so far and I loved both of them. I told her teacher that I am pretty flexible with my work schedule (I love working from home!!) and that I can help out anytime she needs me. Jessica's class is a lot of fun to work with. They don't sit in chairs, they sit on exercise balls (there was a study done that shows kids do better when they can move around and fidget as they learn, the teacher jumped on this and replaced all their chairs with the exercise balls). So when the teacher is talking to them, they all face forward and bounce lightly. It's like watching live bobble heads. It is a real joy to be able to read to them and help set up work stations or go over spelling and grammar one on one with the kids.

Jason has been mentoring at the middle school for his PhD research and we've both talked about registering to be substitutes. It's something we'll have to look into though, because since our company is still a start-up there's a lot to do and I would hate to commit to something only to find I don't really have the time for it! Especially something as important as teaching kids.

DrawerSteak (our company) is a research lab. I'm in charge of the books and ordering supplies and running errands for Jason and Andrew. It's more work than any of us thought it would be, but it's the good kind of busy work that I love. I like knowing exactly where we stand financially both as a company and as a couple. I love driving so running from point A to point B and chauffeuring Jason or Andrew around is kind of fun for me. And I LOVE shopping!!! Putting me in charge of finding the best rates and then purchasing items was a brilliant idea on Jason's part. I love finding good bargains, even if it's on test tubes and Petri dishes.

The kids homework levels are no where near as bad as they were last year back in SC and they are both excelling at everything in their classes. They also both have best friends for the first time ever. Ashlie loves hanging out with Julia and Teresa and Jessica's favorite girls to play with are Shay and Avril (probably spelled that one wrong, sorry Rebbecca!!)

Karma has picked up on the “scratch the door when I need to go out” trick very easily. We give her a treat every time she goes outside and haven't had any problems with her in transitioning from “has a doggy door and 4 acres to run on” type of a dog to “apartment dog”.

Life in New York has been pretty great. So great in fact that it's a little scary. I'm so used to having problems here or there that not having any for this long is both exhilarating and kind of scary. The only real bump in the road I've had thus far is losing a “friend” I didn't really care for anyway. It's okay though, I took out the trash and there are certain kinds of friendships you just don't recycle. That was one of them. I also went through and “cleaned out” my friends list on Facebook. I got rid of people that I didn't really contact or talk to in the past three years or so and kept the ones I talk to all the time. I solidified the friendships that are important to me and cut out the ones that have been dragging me down. It feels so good to do that!! It's like getting a deep tissue massage, all that stress and worry you thought you could handle on your own just melts away and you no longer have to deal with it. Of course, like a massage, it has a price, but nothing too steep. Nothing like hanging onto the stress or worry anyway!!

And that's what's been going on with us lately. I figure, if I fail at committing to two blog posts a week, the least I can do is update friends and family once a month :P though hopefully I'll pick up the habit of blogging again. :)

Until next time,

Letter to a Christian

2010-10-03T23:37:00.001-04:00

I recently received an email after writing my blog post about why I became an atheist. This email made me think of all the times people have tried to (in their version of lovingly) convince me that I am wrong and they are right. The problem is that they have no proof and they come off as though I have suddenly lost my mind and should be treated like a toddler who can't resist touching a hot stove. You know what I mean: "Autumn, honey, please don't touch that. It's very hot and you could get burned. Autumn..... AUTUMN! NO DON'T TOUCH THAT!!!!"

I'm not a toddler, I haven't lost my mind and I'll touch whatever I damn well please, thank you very much.

Anyway, it brought out a few points that I feel now need to be reviewed.

Dear Christians,
I am sure you don't mean to, but you tend to sound a bit condescending. I know it is because you are worried that my facing life "without God to lean on" means that I am certain to suffer, if not here on earth than, in your opinion, definitely in the "next life". This is not the case for me. I do not believe in your heaven, I also don't believe in your hell. Telling me that it exists even if I don't believe in it is just silly. You have no proof that either exist, technically that makes you the silly ones.

I've suffered in life, yes. Horribly so. I don't really feel like sharing my story and having it analyzed and read and told that "even the righteous have sorrows, but at least they have something to lean on" or anything of the sort right now. Which sucks because I know that my story will help thousands. I've told it before, if you care enough to know you can dig through my blog entries and find it. Right now though I am tired. I'm so very tired of debating well meaning Christians that believe I am so wrong and feel compelled to change my mind. It's exhausting to repeat the facts and point out the faults of your religions and listen to your circular logic and arguments time and time again.

You've said that you don't understand what one specific thing lead to my atheism, well that's easy. It wasn't one specific thing. It was lots and lots of little things that never added up that lead me to a hypothesis which turned into theory that basically states "no proof, no belief". Unless you have concrete evidence that a god (any god) exists and why yours is mutually exclusive, don't expect anything you say to change my mind.

There are many, many Christians in my life. Most of them are family, some of them are good friends, others are old acquaintances that I had in school and youth group and church when I was a kid. Understand that MOST of them have rejected me because of my non-beliefs now. The few who stick around don't discuss religion with me at all.

(I've found that this is out of exasperation on their part. They learn that they can not change my mind and find out very quickly that I know more about the bible than they do and they do one of two things:
1. wash their hands of me and never speak to me again - which is the most popular option as of late.
or
2. choose to love me anyway and stop preaching to me about how amazing their god is.)

In fact, I would go so far as to say that the only reason they find they are able to remain friends of mine are because they stop trying to convince me of how awesome they think god is or why I "need him". Very, very few manage to remain my friends AND discuss (debate) religion. I love those most of all sometimes because we allow each other to pick the other's brain. We don't get easily offended by whatever is said. But those types of people are few and far between. (And most people who think they can handle that kind of thing quickly learn they can't - which sucks. More people should be open minded - but I digress....)

The short answer to your question about being able to change my mind is: no. There really isn't any point in trying either. Feel free to just mark me as one of those who has "turned her heart against god" as the bible puts it. This is how most people justify the reasons to no longer be friends with me now that I'm an atheist.

Again I state that you may of course pray for me. I can not stop you from doing so, in fact I am sure that if I asked you not to pray for me you would ignore that request and do as you please anyway. Again I warn you though, it will not change anything.

In my world I have learned that it is best to tell it like it is as gently as you can, but with a firm hand. Like removing a band-aid - fast and swift instead of long, drawn out and painful. Sometimes that comes off as rude though. If this email has (and I'm sure drawing a direct line in the sand may have done just that) please disregard my rudeness for it is surely not intended.

Lots of Love,

My Path to Atheism

2010-10-01T13:27:00.000-04:00

My biggest problem with religion is the answers I get (time and time again) to this question:
If God is a loving God, why did he allow me to go through what I went through?
I've heard it all: from “We can not know why God allows some things to happen to people” (Okay, then he obviously doesn't care if he's allowing people he created to suffer) to “Well maybe you did something in your past that God saw fit to correct and this was how he chose to punish/teach you”. Yeah, thanks for that one.

Another of my biggest problems is the hypocrisy you see throughout the church (any church, pick one). I've had people say “Now wait a minute, you can't judge god based on what people do!” Sure I can. You claim he changed your life and because of that you're a different person now. Uh huh. And your proof of this is where? Obviously NOT in the lives of those who claim the same belief.

My path to Atheism is a long and drawn out one. Honestly I think it started around the age of nine, when I had questions about god that I wasn't allowed to ask, hell there are some things I wasn't even allowed to journal about. (I have since broken the silence on those things).

I used to believe that it was god who brought me through my struggles. I would ignore the pestering questions or hypocrisy I saw in all of that, trusting that “Only god knows what is best”. I asked Pastors, Preachers (apparently there's a difference, though I'm still not sure what exactly it is) Sunday School teachers, friends, relatives, everyone I could get to sit down and give me the time of day; random questions about faith and god and their beliefs. I got sick of asking people questions and decided to go straight to the source. I read the bible (several times over), memorized scripture, asked god, etc.

After 10 years of never getting answers (or at least not ones seeped in circular logic) I gave up and decided to just do the best I could. I kept attending church because honestly, I thought it would kill my mother to hear I wasn't so sure god existed any longer, and because church is where my friends were. I was raised in the church, I knew everyone there, they knew me. They had supported me through thick and thin, helped me out here and there, watched me as a kid or watched MY kids. It was “home” in a way. Even though I no longer agreed with what was being preached, I felt obligated to attend. I feared that if I stopped, I would lose my friends.

Then I moved to South Carolina and my home church was too far away for me to be involved any longer. Most of my friends moved on, stopped calling, or just fell away. I blamed the move. I looked for a new church and found problems with every single one I attended. I found one I really liked, joined and then watched in horror as it fell apart (the pastor ran off with the secretary and $10,000 in offering money). I stopped attending, figured I could find god on my own time. Not to mention I was really sick of all the hypocrisy and hate that stems from people who think they're greater than others (okay, forgiven, whatever. Same hat in my opinion)

I started reading other books than just the bible, looking for something, anything to fill the gap that church had put in my heart. There is a saying that goes “there is a god shaped whole in every heart that only god can heal” More to the point, there is a deep need for fellowship and friendship that (in the south anyway) church is the easiest way to fill that void. There is a thirst for people who are struggling just like you are, who you can open up to and lean on in times of trouble as well as times of joy. The problem is, you don't need god for any of that. At least I no longer need it. I don't need an excuse to get together with like minded people and talk about life. I don't need an excuse to open my wallet and help my peers or my community. I don't need to fill the void of “I don't know” with “Because that's the way god made it”.

I walked away from church a few years back, I tried desperately to hold onto my views of religion and heaven and hell. Eventually I gave up. I got so sick and tired of trying to be my best and never being good enough, of going through the motions and not feeling any different.

When I finally “came out of the religious closet” so to speak, I felt free. FINALLY FREE! It's ironic. All I hear about is how you can be free in christ. I'd never felt so trapped before in my life. Now that I'm free of all of that, I can live life the way I want. And guess what: it feels AMAZING to be a good person, just because I want to be, not because “it's the christian thing to do”. It feels even better to breathe without risking offending some all powerful being.

Some people who read this will say I was never a “true christian”. I debunk this beliefs with your own book: Romans 10:9-11 states “That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved. As the Scripture says, "Anyone who trusts in him will never be put to shame."
Well at the time (age 7 – 22) I did believe it, with every ounce of my being and every beat of my heart.
The point is that I don't any more. And if you honestly think I can lose my salvation, you should really read that book of yours again.

Some people will say I'm mad at god and this is just a stage. I'm not mad at him any more, honestly I used to be, but I find it pretty hard to be mad at what doesn't exist. Not impossible, but not really worth my time or energy either. No, I'm not mad at any god. I am however constantly annoyed at people who use religion as an excuse. Some use it to excuse hate, others use it to excuse laziness. Whatever the reason, I can not help but roll my eyes in exasperation and it takes more strength and will power than I ever imagined it would, to keep my mouth shut and NOT prove you wrong and debate the topic every single time it comes up.

Anyway, this is just a part of my path from religious to atheist. I'm still learning, still working on who I am and still attempting to figure out where to go from here. Feel free to pray for me, but please don't expect it to change anything. I've made up my mind and I won't be going back to faith and fairy tales. I much prefer fact to fiction.

Lots of Love,

Simply Bags

2010-09-28T07:54:00.000-04:00

When I first started blogging I decided I didn't want to be one of those "only does reviews and giveaways" types of blogs. In light of that, I turned down many offers to review a product on my blog in exchange for this, that or the other. But there are some things that I just don't know how to say no to.

Bags are one of those things. I love them, I love having a different bag for every season (or outfit, depending). I love having overnight bags and laptop bags, I love the organization of all those pockets, I just LOVE bags. So when I was contacted by the folks over at Simply Bags to do a review on one of their products I found it ~~hard~~ impossible to say no. (My pictures don't do these justice, but there are MUCH better pictures on the Simply Bags site)

I'm so glad I agreed to do a review for them too! Talk about awesome bags! These are better than Vera Bradley's and they come personalized!! I got three of their bags and am already looking at several others. I have the "Insulated Lunch Bag" and the "Laptop Bag" (which I ordered for my sister for Christmas) and my favorite, the "Quilted Duffle Bag".

The quality of the bags (each of them) is fabulous. They are all well made, easy to clean, and have AWESOME organization pockets inside them. (Which I honestly didn't expect).

To be perfectly honest the lunch bag is a tad too small for the average sized plastic container for leftovers, but this is actually a positive because I need to cut my portion sizes a bit anyway. Other than that I have no complaints about any of the bags! The Laptop bag fits my Alienware Dell laptop which really surprised me (it's a seven pound laptop!) and has spots for cards, pencils or pens and even zipper pockets on the inside.

The Duffle bag is my favorite because it's just the right size for running to the gym, or for spending the weekend in the city (something we plan to do once a month from now on) plus the pink ribbons with brown polka dots are just ADORABLE!!

I found out from Bob (one of the owners) that his wife does all of the embroidery herself. It's extremely well done and adds a bit of elegance to the bags that only embroidery can. I love how well they match the bags too. You get to pick which color you want the thread for embroidery to be though if you don't want whatever is shown on the bag.

If you love bags or are in the market for a new one you should really see what Simply Bags has to offer. Also don't forget Christmas is a little less than 3 months away!

Lots of Love,

PTA Meetings

2010-09-16T01:01:00.002-04:00

The new school year has started and with it a blurry of activities, sign ups and clubs to join. My kids are being pulled in a dozen directions and I feel like I am as well. It's a good feeling to be this busy again. I love the lazy days of summer but this summer was a long and rather hard one for us this year so it is, oddly enough, nice to be getting into a sure routine. One thing I find hopeful is that this is a routine I know will stick for the next 9 months or so and I find peace in the stability of that.

Oh sure there will be last minute changes and things that don't go according to plan, but for the most part we know we can count on the bus arriving at precisely 8:36 AM and again at 4:02 PM . My kids can count on a certain order both in their classrooms and here at home. It's nice. Couple that with the crisp fall weather we've been having these past few weeks and I am giddy with joy and new beginnings.

In light of new beginnings I decided to sign up for the kids' PTA this year. This is the VERY first time I have ever been part of the PTA (let alone gone to a meeting) so I was a bit nervous. On top of that, this is a new school district, a new school even a new STATE for us, so it's a bit like jumping in with both feet for me. (Which I admit is fairly normal but still a bit unnerving). I showed up right on time for the PTA meeting and walked into the cafeteria full of confidence that I was going to be just fine.....

That confidence left me the moment I entered the room. Not because anyone was rude or because the room was super quiet or anything. Quite the opposite actually. The room was bursting with energy. Women in all shapes and sizes, with children of all ages, were talking and catching up and buzzing through out the room. No one even noticed that I had entered (which is unusual for me, but not all together unheard of).

I gasped and almost, almost backed out of the room in fear and shyness but forced myself to find a spot and sit. I figured I could sit through at least one meeting. It was, after all, for my kids' sake that I was here. The plan was to drop in and say hi, figure out exactly what the PTA was and how to be a part of it, make a few friends and go home..... but none of that really happened.

I found myself nervously looking around at all these (seemingly) smart, confident, well together women, who seemed to be cliqued off and paired up and catching up with old friends. I noticed people had brought note pads and pens and other writing utensils and I was ashamed that I had not thought to bring anything. There were snacks in the back but I've put on 15 pounds since moving up here so I felt fat and yet tempted all at the same time. I judged myself. I compared myself. I picked at my flaws till I was ready to cry and then, just when I had almost convinced myself to just leave, the meeting started.

It went by fairly quickly and before I knew it the meeting was over. I'm not even entirely sure what all went down. We voted for a few things, discussed a few other things and introduced each other. (See: everyone gave their name and the names of their kids and who was teaching them in what grade that year. I almost messed mine up but thankfully had thought to write down my information before they got to me). I have never been SO NERVOUS in all my life.

But I made it through. I didn't make any instant friends and I didn't really feel any connections but I made a start. I showed up and I stayed, even though I desperately wanted to leave! And to me, that is a big accomplishment...

I am booked solid this week (PTA, Book Club, Open House) so I will keep you updated on the ins and outs of our lives.

Also the awesome people at Simply Bags sent me a BEAUTIFUL lunch purse about 8 weeks ago (right before my grandmother died) and I have YET to review them. They have not ONCE been rude or unhappy with me and were COMPLETELY understanding when I told them it would be a bit longer before my review came out. I know this paragraph doesn't exactly count as a full review, but I will get them a proper review before the week is up. I just wanted to mention and THANK them for all their patience. If you haven't clicked the link on my blog yet, please click Personalized Lunch Bags and see what they have to offer. They have some pretty amazing things. I love the personalized Lunch Purses as well as the gorgeous duffel bags (which I will be ordering one of shortly!)

Lots of Love,

Six Word Saturday 9-11-10

2010-09-11T00:27:00.001-04:00

Amazing Advice Comes With Free Coffee!

When you get something new you tend to enjoy it for a while. At least until the newness wears off and the reality sets back in. No matter what it is I have found this to be the case more often than not.

Well divorce, moving, a new state, a new school....

My kids have gone through SO MUCH this past year. I know it's been hard on them. Jason and I have tried to make it as easy as possible but I just kept feeling like there was more I could do. If only I knew how to get my kids to talk to me then I could help them through whatever it was they were going through, feeling, thinking....etc.

I went to Barne's and Nobel determined to get advice, help books for myself and my kids. Anything. What I got was some amazing advice and a free cup of coffee. I sat at the Starbucks tables inside the store crying over a book that was talking about how much divorce and moving effects a kid. I cried out of frustration, desperation and exhaustion.

The woman who had helped me find a few books in the kids section was just going on break. She saw me and asked if she could sit down. She told me about how she reached out to her girls during difficult times. She told me how her kids, now in their mid to late twenties are closer to her because of the idea she implimented. She told me how to solve my problem and grow closer to my kids, for less than free. And then she bought my coffee.

Her idea was to get a journal for each kid. In it I write them a letter explaining the journal. I tell them that this is our journal. Just between Ashlie and Mommy (and I have one just for Jessica and Mommy too). This journal is where Ashlie can pour out her heart. Sometimes it's not easy to talk face to face. Sometimes you're afraid of how the other person will react. It's easier to just write it down. I can't tell you how many times I left my journal laying around hoping my mom would read it. My mother though was a strict believer in privacy (and I'm grateful for that) so she never read my journals.

After I write the introduction letter I put the journals on each kids pillow. Ashlie was in her room at the time. I just walked in and set her journal on her pillow and Jessica's on Jessica's pillow. Then I smiled at Ashlie and walked out. She immediately climbed the bunk bed to see what I left her. Within half an hour both my girls had not only read the letters but they had written back. Every day for the past two weeks my kids have written at least once in those journals. And every night I find time (or make time) to open them, read them and respond. When I'm super busy and can't take the journal at that time they know to put it either on my bed or on my computer desk chair. They are fully aware that I may not get to the journal by the end of that day, but they WILL have a response by the next morning.

Both kids have seemed to just blossom with this new tool. Both my kids feel comfortable enough to write anything from questions about sex (EEK!) to questions about what we had for dinner, to requests for special Mommy/Daughter time at the mall. Ashlie even has a growing list in the back of the journal for Christmas wishes. Jessica has taken to sticking post-its on the inside of the front cover if she just wants to leave a quick note like "Don't forget we have to make bread today!" or "I just want to say I love you!!" Her journal has a pocket in the back for just such notes after they have been read. I don't want to lose a thing!!

Ashlie asked me once if she was my real daughter and could I tell her the story of her birth. I wrote it down. All seven pages of it. Jessica tells me about her dreams and nightmares, her hopes and wishes and her deepest desires of the week ("I want to be an actress when I grow up so I can marry a prince!"). Both girls seem happier, give hugs more often and more freely and know that they can honestly ask me anything. And since they DON'T get my immediate reaction, they never see my shock or anger right off the bat. I get a chance to think and reflect before I respond.

I went back to Barnes and Nobel today. I found that sales woman and hugged her. I cried this time too, but these were tears of joy. I can not wait to see what the rest of the year brings us and how far the journaling takes my girls and I!!!

If you like this post, click the picture above this line to see more Six Word Saturday entries.

Lots of Love,

Grandma Jean

2010-08-15T13:24:00.000-04:00

Dear Grandma Jean,
Has it really only been two weeks since you passed? I miss you so much. The first week I could barely breathe. I spent most of my time in mourning, crying and remembering your beautiful face, sweet words and even how you answered the phone. I still hear your voice sometimes as the phone rings and I wait for it to connect (no matter who it is I'm calling, I can remember exactly how you always answered). You were always soft spoken. I don't think I can remember a single time I ever heard you really raise your voice, at anyone.
Part of me selfishly wishes that you and Granddaddy never had to sell your home so you could move into the retirement center. I wish I could walk those halls once more, smell the scent of your nutrogena soap, feel the slight breeze of the air conditioning and enjoy the views from your always spotless home. I wish that I could see you in your blue A-line skirt and Granddaddy's white and blue striped shirts he had made especially for you. I wish I could hold your hand as you sang me to sleep when I had a bad dream. And even though I no longer share the same beliefs you were so passionate about, I miss hearing your pray. I miss the way your voice took on a different kind of tone, one full of thankfulness and passion and hope. I miss the way you always had the answers and didn't seem to judge me when I claimed they weren't enough for me any longer. I miss how much you supported me, no matter what.
You love I will carry with me always, your memories I will never forget. I am proud to carry your name and be your granddaughter. I miss you so much it hurts, and I love you even more.

Lots of Love,
~Autumn Jean
aka

Team Work and Support Systems

2010-06-23T06:22:00.000-04:00

How do you react under pressure? Do you blow up at anything and anyone? Do you timidly hide under the covers until it blows over? Do you ignore it and pretend there's nothing wrong?

Jason and I were watching Hell's Kitchen last night and everyone was yelling, screaming, blaming each other and just all around being jerks to each other. They are constantly taking hard situations and making them worse!! For those who don't watch the show there are a number of contestants split into two teams, each team has to work together to make some pretty awesome meals in a timely and orderly fashion. It's a lot of finger pointing and cursing and name calling though. Oh it drives me nuts!! I love cooking (and I'm damn good at it, thank you very much) and I enjoy some of the tips they give on this show. I find myself yelling weird, motherly things at the screen though when we watch this show. Like "OMG guys, just WORK TOGETHER!!" or "Stop blaming so and so and admit you made a mistake!!" I think the fact that it drives me crazy is part of the appeal though.

But it got me thinking: My friends and I have a routine when the going gets tough. I call my support system (Mom, Caroline, Desi and Jason - though I no longer have to call him, lol) I vent it out with each of them. They listen, I cry, they advise, I may or may not take their advice (normally I do, and the cool thing is 9 times out of 10 they all agree on what should be done) but the one thing I have never let happen is to get fully discouraged. Sure there are things other people have said that really get me down. Sure I might spend a day obsessing over it, constantly repeating the conversation or problem until I'm in tears but I never let it keep me down. I haven't yet and I don't plan to. Nine times out of ten I find that tough situations force me to push myself harder and pull my friends and I closer together. If someone says something negative about me I set out to prove them wrong (ok so I set out to prove to myself that I'm better than that, or that I am worth the extra effort, or that I am talented in whatever area). These people are on my team, at all times. Whenever one of us has a problem we vent it out with each other and cry with each other and rejoice with each other.

When working as part of a team I work hard to pull us together as a team, when others start looking out for number one instead of the team I call them on it (though I do so privately and professionally, even if the team isn't in a work environment). I want to succeed and working on a team means that if my team doesn't succeed, neither do I. How these people on Hell's Kitchen don't get that, I'll never understand. Maybe it's mob-mentality or something. Whatever it is it drives me crazy!! I would love a chance at this kind of thing!! For the most part the Red Team just needs a good leader.

Now I know they aren't lifelong friends on this show and I understand that they've just met a few weeks back but they're acting worse than Mean Girls and to each other! I know that their support systems have probably been taken from them for a bit, but it just amazes me how the one constant on this show is the sheer bullshit they put each other through!! It's a job, people, you can't always pick who you work with, you won't always like them, hell you're not even guaranteed to like any of them, but you make it work, because it's a job and that's the only way to really succeed. You don't talk shit about each other, you don't point out every little thing the others do wrong, you encourage each other and help each other succeed.

They have the communication factor down but they're totally doing it wrong!! The thing I like most about this show though: it makes me analyze myself. I never want to act like they do on there, I never want to be the poison that kills the team. I'd rather be the one who brings people together than the one who tears them apart. You might not like what life dishes out, you may not agree with every decision your teammates make, but you damn well better have their backs or you'll all lose.

But that's just my two cents ;)

Lots of Love,

Six Word Saturday 6/12/10

2010-06-12T00:01:00.006-04:00

Baking, blogging, talking on the phone...

These are my current forms of therapy. After all the changes in my life I'm finding comforts in the foods I bake, the friends I have (though they live states away) and the deep contemplations I blog out. Of course Jason brings me comfort as well, but there's just something special about writing out my heart, sifting through my emotions and being allowed to bitch, moan and cry about my silly trepidations with my friends as I bake the perfect clover leaf rolls and chocolate filled croissants from scratch.

Jason has promised to start bringing his laptop home with him at night (as opposed to leaving it at the office) so that when I wake up (hours before he does) I can cook and blog about it. I've been neglecting my Autumn's Seasonings blog for far too long now. It's damn time I got back into sharing my joys of cooking with all 19 readers... lol.

Lots of Love,

Dear So and So - 6/11/10

2010-06-11T02:23:00.002-04:00

Dear Dunkin' Donuts,

I was in desperate need of espresso this morning and decided to treat myself to some spectacularly good coffee. However the closest Dunkin' Donuts is about 20 minutes from my house. Not a big deal, there are plenty of other coffee shops between here and there, but at the same time I knew Dunkin' Donuts coffee would be good. I've bought it and made it at home plenty of times and they are my first choice when traveling and in need of caffeine or sugar. I drove out to the local shop and ordered a cappuccino. The girl at the drivers window asked what size I would like, I looked to see the size differences and price differences and settled on an extra large cappuccino. I was promptly informed that they only carried one size. (Why on earth would she ask me what size I wanted if the cappuccino only comes in ONE size?!) I ordered it anyway. I also decided to get a donut with my order. I asked for a plain glazed donut, apparently they were out of those, I asked for a chocolate glazed donut, they were out of those as well. I frustratingly asked if they had any chocolate cake donuts then and was told they were also out of those. I asked what kind of donuts they had available and was told they had glazed, chocolate glazed and chocolate cake donuts. At this point I'm thinking the girl taking my order is either incredibly stupid or is purposefully being annoying. I wasn't sure which but I ordered the chocolate cake donut and drove around.

The donut was perfect, but the cappuccino was horribly weak. For a drink with TWO shots of espresso in it made from some of the best coffee makers I've found yet, this was the absolute worst cup I have ever had the displeasure of receiving from your company. The service was horrible, but I could have ignored that for a good cup of coffee. I don't see myself ever going back to this particular Dunkin' Donuts shop again. As I said, the bad service was one thing, but it's one thing I would have dealt with again if the coffee was worth the visit. You might want to check into whatever is going on at this store and make sure the people there at least know how to make a decent cup of coffee and espresso. If you have the extra time retrain them in hospitality.
~Still looking for that perfect cup of REAL espresso.... (if I had the funds I'd buy my own espresso machine!!) And for the record, yes I did send this exact letter off in the form of an email to the customer service department. No responses as of yet.
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Dear Rain,
Do you have any idea how welcome you are right now? I know we've had nothing but rain for two or three days now, but you match my mood and my desire to cook nothing but comfort foods so well. Thank you for not yet ceasing. I heart you!
~Cold, damp and comforted by homemade mac and cheese
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Dear Blood sisters of mine,
Yes I meant it. No I'm not going to be a push over any more. Yes I still love you. No I won't answer the phone when you call right now. Yes you might have damaged our relationship permanently by the way you've treated me over the years but you know what, I'm strong enough to survive that too. No I won't be writing you both out of my life completely but that doesn't mean I have to put up with your childish behaviors. Yes you have been temporarily replaced by my two best friends. No you probably won't get over it, it's ok though. I will. Yes I have moved on and am enjoying life without your bitter complaints. Thank you for never asking.
~Still smarting a bit over how horribly you two have acted and how long I allowed it to go on.
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Dear Readers,
You've put up with my ups, my downs, my gripes, my complaints, my tears and my joys. Thank you for always being there for me, always commenting with kind words and encouragement and reading my blog!
~Pleasantly surprised by how many of you read me!

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Lots of Love,

Contemplations from the lonely one...

2010-06-11T00:12:00.001-04:00

I have decided that I don't really belong anywhere. I don't miss home (as stated in the previous blog, I really only miss my mother and my children, but not the place itself). I like it here but given that I've only been here for 2 weeks and have yet to actually find a job I haven't really had a chance to meet and make friends (unless you count our crazy neighbor who admit-ably drinks herself into a stupor every day and then uses her bi-polar condition as an excuse to scream at her boyfriend for hours on end - though to be fair she's been perfectly sweet to me so far! She even gave me a gift of two green pepper plants for my garden, I gave her homemade cookies as a "thank you")

Jason's grandmother and I get along pretty well but she lives about 40 minutes from us so visits are few and far between. She strikes me as the type to be there for me just as she is for Jason. I love that about her. It makes me feel.... safe? loved? comfortable? Not quite sure what word I'm looking for there. But it's nice that when I can't have my own mother close by I have not one but TWO secondary "mom's" nearby. The other one would be Jason's mom and while I haven't had the pleasure of getting to know her personally as much as I've gotten to know Jason's grandmother, I like everything I've heard and observed of her so far.

Actually, Jason's mom reminds me a lot of my own mom. My mom used to work as a social worker at the ER at CMC main (the number one hospital in Charlotte, NC) and Jason's mom is a nurse. Both his mother and mine are strong willed women who have had to raise their kids pretty much on their own thanks to deadbeat dad's. They've both overcome difficulty upon difficulty and neither have come out bitter from life's challenges. I've heard Jason's end of conversations with his mom and (based off his responses to her) I've come to the conclusion that she's giving him the same advice my mother gives me.

When I was sick earlier in the week Jason's whole family called to check up on me. Some left me facebook messages (though I was passed out from the pain killers and missed most of them) others called Jason often to make sure I was alright, some did both. Jason's brother drove me where ever I needed to go and kept a close eye on me while Jason was working.

Nothing makes a girl feel loved more than being taken in under someone else's wing. I've never had this before. Most the guys I've dated had mother's who hated me. OK well "hate" is a strong word, I'll give them the benefit of the doubt and say their mothers (and most of the rest of their families) just plain couldn't stand me.

Maybe I've grown up a lot since then.... maybe I've finally picked the right guy.... whatever it is, I'm grateful for the calls, the love, the open armed welcomes, that I've received so far from his family.

Hmmm, I seem to have gone way off topic. My point was that even though I technically don't belong anywhere (other than the kitchen of the 1920's wife) I'm finally OK with that. I am who I am and I don't want to change that. Granted there are always things I can work on or improve, I'm alright with who I am today. I like me.

Friends will come around eventually, but I've decided that it doesn't really matter where I live, I'll never fully belong. I'm unique. I'm silly, sassy, sensitive, and a little too trusting for this day and age. I'm honest, even when it brings me to the point of tears, open and giving. I get mad but I know how to control my temper. I frown at those who give up on life and are content with never trying to be better people. I think the main reason (other than the lack of social interaction) that I have in finding friends is because I'm not looking for a group of people to just go to the local bar with, I'm looking for people to share my life with. And those kinds of friends are hard to find and harder to keep.

Oh don't get me wrong, there are a million of you (OK a few hundred) on Facebook and here and other social networks, but in real life.... those kinds of friends seem to be few and far between.

Maybe this is why I love blogging so much. I can pour out my heart and receive your doting love and attention via comments. I risk very little because if you hate me, well who cares, we don't know each other that well anyway! Lol.

This might also be why I love baking and cooking so much. Everyone may or may not love me, but they all seem to love my food!!

Lots of Love,

Life in New York... adjusting to the here and now

2010-06-09T20:01:00.001-04:00

So I've lived here for all of two weeks and I'm already a bonified New Yorker apparently. I've been pulled over by the cops (twice, though thankfully no tickets OR warnings were given) I've gone to the ER, and I've witnessed some pretty weird stuff (like the guy in a dress hanging out on the corner of the street swaying his hips and asking if anyone has a cigarette he can bum). I walk practically everywhere; I do my laundry at the local laundry mat, I've explored some of the extremely old buildings around here, been kissed on the rooftop under the stars, and learned the history behind the Troy Library's stain glass window (a gift from France). By the way, the library was built as the world's first "fireproof" library back in 1799.

The pull-overs were for silly things. Laws that are different here than in SC, both times the officer was polite and understanding and didn't even give me a warning. Which I'm grateful for. (For example, it's illegal to talk on your cell phone while driving in this state, something I know is dangerous but isn't illegal back home) not a big deal but it's nice to learn the laws without a hefty fine.

I wound up having to go to the ER because my kidney was acting up again and apparently my body is making more kidney stones (oh joy) so they put me on an antibiotic (I had an infection on top of everything) and sent me home with pain drugs. I was out of it for a few days but I'm feeling better now.

I miss home.... no I don't, I miss my mom and my kids (children will move up here at the end of the summer - their dad has them over the summer, I get them for the school year) but other than that I don't really miss SC or NC at all. Just my mom and my kids.

I don't miss the heat, I don't miss the lazy summer days, I don't even miss the Carolina Blue skies (the skies here in New York are just as blue, don't believe the hype) and everything here is so GREEN! Nothing is dying from drought, the grass is actually green not that icky yellowish color most the lawns back home are colored, the people are honestly not that friendly but they aren't outright rude either. It's balanced here. And for a city, it's rather sleepy and quiet - which I love. Granted it's not as picture perfect as I had visions of it being before I lived here full time but it's rather nice just the same. I think once the girls are here I will really start to feel more like this is home and be able to fully enjoy living here. In the meantime I just really, really, really miss my babies. :(

I think I'll give them a call actually.....

Lots of Love,

Six Word Saturday - June 5th

2010-06-05T11:05:00.002-04:00

I'm so glad last week is OVER!!

Sorry this is late, I spent the morning at the ER here in New York. By the way, the staff at the local hospital is WONDERFUL!! And I don't hand out medical compliments easily either! (Been to a few too many doctors in the past, I know good staff from average staff and I've even had to deal with awful staff!)

Man this past week has just been one crappy event after another. Now don't get me wrong, I'm happy to finally be in New York, butast week was hell! I think the only real way to be "initiated" as a New Yorker is to have at least one run in with the cops. I had three. LOL. Only one resulted in me having to pay a fine, but still....

I won't let any of it get me down and at some point when I'm not trying to type on the iPhone I will give more detail. On top of everything else we're apparently ending this week with a UTI. Bleh. Next week is BOUND to be better!!! I think I'll skip the coffee and take my hydrocodene and pass out now.....

Happy 6WS!!

Lots of Love,

Welcome to New York, Autumn!

2010-06-02T15:26:00.001-04:00

I'm here!! I made it safe and sound and worn out as ever!!! Boy 17 hours of driving really takes the life out of a girl!! Below are the main "events" that went down during the move from SC to NY:

1) Sister cancelled on me at the last minute had to run around town and beg people to take my stuff for free as a result.
2) Due to cancellation we didn't leave until LATE Saturday afternoon - which means we didn't arrive until late Sunday evening and wound up having to cancel plans with family as a result. :(
3) Dropped by my Grandmother's place on the way out of town, she's not doing well so it was a "goodbye" visit that brought everyone to tears.
4) Tried to stop and camp somewhere halfway here but the prices for camping on Memorial Day Weekend were INSANE so we "rested" at a truck stop instead.
5) Karma (my dog) was extremely well behaved the entire ride. She slept most of it and didn't try to steal my cheeseburger when we stopped for food!!
6) Kids called me after we entered NY State, I miss them so much already!! (I get them back in August, my ex has them for the summer) At this point in the trip I was just plum worn out. So much so that I cried the last 3 hour drive home (part exhaustion, part emotional hell, part exasperation at the stupidity of some people - not the kids... lol)
7) Driving that far, for that long makes me an emotional cry baby for days on end. I finally stopped crying some time last night (been crying off and on). I think the thorough house cleaning and tons of baking I did helped me get out of my funk today.

To sum it up it was not a relaxing trip up here. Jason and I planned everything out, complete with time line and chance for mistakes. What we didn't expect was to be let down so badly by my sister, the last minute (and much needed) trip to my Grandmother's (which I am so thankful to have had) or the added stress driving on Memorial Day weekend can add.

I'll blog about the day after we arrived tomorrow. Right now I need a nap! Just thinking about all the things that went wrong on the way up here is wearing me out!!

Lots of Love,

In Case You Forgot

2010-05-26T02:00:00.000-04:00

I'm moving this weekend!!! This week is being spent doing the finishing touches that are required just before a move. I'll not be posting for about another week unless something I just can't keep quiet about comes up, lol.

I figure by next Wednesday I should be all packed, moved and unpacked.....at least that's the plan!!

Wish me luck!
Lots of Love,

A Break From Packing...

2010-05-17T14:17:00.001-04:00

My house is now half packed. I'm about to go and box up my kitchen but I thought I'd take a fun break and reply to emails and check my facebook and....well you know how it goes! Distractions galore!

I found something cute that I thought I'd share with my fellow bloggers though:

and I totally am!! (Blogging this that is...) I won't be blogging about my sex life due to the pure fact that family reads this and I'm obviously not anonymous on here... sorry. Lol. But I totally WOULD blog that sort of thing if I was anonymous! I'm just not ~~stupid~~ brave enough to blog about my sex life under my real name! Haha.

These are courtesy of ThinkGeek.com (click here for ordering info). I love this site, they have so many erm, interesting items lol. (no I'm not getting paid to promote them, but that would be totally cool!)

My cousin, Alice, linked me to them today. She showed me the knife holder they have called "The Ex"

The LAST thing I need right now is more STUFF, but it's always fun to browse!
OK break time is over.... back to packing (help me! I'm drowning in useless items!!)

Oh on a side note I have applied for a so far total of FOURTEEN jobs. ("So far" total is from midnight of last night to this morning) Cross your fingers and wish me luck! I could use it!!! <3

Lots of Love,

Six Word Saturday - 5/15/10

2010-05-15T13:18:00.001-04:00

Up to my eyeballs in boxes!

Moving is proving to be stressful. I don't mind really because I'm about to begin an awesome new chapter in my life but seriously can we get the next two weeks over with please? I'm so tired of packing, cleaning and tossing STUFF. Gah! My friend Jane says that moving is just as stressful as divorce or death (it's right up there with them anyway) and at this point I believe it! I just want to be done already. I'm even tired of being tired of it.

Ok enough whining and griping. Time to get back to packing (oh joy). What kind of music do you guys play when you have a zillion chores to do and you just don't want to do them? I need motivation, inspiration and caffeine! Haha!

Lots of Love,

Dear So and So - May 14th

2010-05-14T08:00:00.002-04:00

Dear Hot Pockets, Lean Pockets and all Edible Pockets in between,
I follow your directions to the letter and yet somehow no matter how long I cook you stubborn things the middle is always frozen. It might be my microwave, it might be your brand. Whatever it is, can you please just cook all the way through for me? Just this once? I'm starving! And I'm not partial to munching on frozen chicken.
~Hungry Girly
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Dear Stuff I have collected over the years,
I don't remember having so much of you!! Where did these ugly little nick-nacks and doo-das come from?! And how can I prevent myself from collecting more of you later? Ugh I hate packing. I'm tempted to just toss everything and start from scratch.... now if only I could afford that option. Lol.
~Up to my eyeballs in junk!
Dear Sister of mine,
I have lots of nick-nacks and useful things I'm passing along to you! Enjoy! (Mwahahahaha!)
~Your Devious Big Sister ;)
PS Feel free to toss it all, haha
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Dear Self,
Have you noticed that when you "LOL" at something you begin AND end your sentences with it? All over facebook, all over blog comments, all over everything! And yesterday you actually SAID "Elle Oh Elle" at Walmart! Wtf is wrong with you? You do not SPEAK in text format! Gah! Even when you "Haha". I've noticed. It bugs me. You can stop now.
~I will not type "Lol" I will not type "Lol!" tee hee :X

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Dear Weather,
I love the heat, really I do. Especially since I'll be leaving most of it (and most of the humidity) behind as I travel north. I will miss you when winter rolls around though. In the mean time I'm enjoying soaking up the rays and listening to everyone else gripe and complain about how hot it is, but only because I know I only have to deal with you for a while longer. I know it gets hot in NY but I also know it doesn't get quite as bad as it does down here.... when winter hits though please feel free to visit frequently! <3
~Getting My Tan On
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Dear Country Side,
I think I might miss you. Maybe. But only after I have forgotten how many bugs exist and all my run ins with random snakes and the way the humidity soaks you before you even get the door shut..... but I might miss you... a little....maybe.... don't hold your breath.
~Not Your Typical Country Gal
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Dear Readers,
A friend of a friend's is having a big jewelry give-away on her blog! There are some awesome prizes up for grabs so drop by, sign up and check them out! (And if you win one of the giftcards I like silvers and pinks - haha)
Let her know I sent you her way! Lisa @ http://www.lisaleonardonline.com/blog/2010/05/14/day-5-our-wedding-a-giveaway/comment-page-6/#comment-62381
~Hoping to win something myself

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If you like these you'll love the others!

Hope on over to 3bedroom bungalow and check out all the other letters!

(Just click the Dear So and So picture)

Enjoy!

Two More Weeks Till Moving Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lots of Love,

Two Weeks Left!

2010-05-13T14:28:00.000-04:00

Two weeks!!! I have exactly TWO WEEKS before Jason arrives to help me pack up the car! Then we leave two days after his arrival!! That's it! Just TWO WEEKS! So what am I doing to prepare? I'm blogging of course! And laying out in the sun; and baking cookies; and making chicken pot pies from scratch; and messing around on facebook and DailyMile.com and...... what is wrong with me?! I have SO MUCH to do and not much time left at all!

I think I'm stalling because I secretly want to see if I can give myself a heart attack. (Just kidding) But OMG I have so much to do!! In all honesty I think the sheer volume of crap that I have accumulated and am now having to go through piece by piece is just driving me up a wall (which of course leaves finger prints so I then have to CLEAN the walls.....)

I can not wait till I'm up there and unpacked and DONE with all this moving crap! Someone send me some energy and time organization please, I think I'm drowning in this sea of junk! Better yet, just wake me when 2 weeks is up and all my stuff is packed and ready to go! If you need me I'll be hiding under my covers....

Lots of Love,

I've Lost My Marbles!

2010-05-10T22:30:00.000-04:00

I'm sure this is normal with everything going on in my life right now but I think I've misplaced my brain!! Ashlie had a school project due today that she got the paperwork for last Tuesday. And yet Mommy forgot all about it. Poor Ashlie came home from school crying because she didn't have a project to turn in and was worried she would get an F for it. I called her teacher and explained that we're in the process of moving, that I had taken the paper from Ashlie but then it completely slipped all of our minds. Plus they went to their dad's this weekend so school projects were far from all of our minds. The teacher (whom we love) was completely understanding and actually apologized to me for giving Ashlie a project during this "busy time of our lives"!! How sweet was that?! Ashlie and I spent the whole night working on her project (well she spent the night working on her project, I spent the night making yet another chicken pot pie and answering her questions) but at least it's done.

I had forgotten that she complained about her tummy hurting this afternoon and allowed her to have milk with dinner (bad idea!!). She wound up getting sick just minutes after going to bed. And she totally missed the bathroom. Poor thing. She didn't get any of it on her, so thankfully she doesn't need a shower but I took her blankets and pillow (which she got sick on) and threw them in the wash. I put the pillow in the tub and sprayed it with hot water from the shower, then tossed the pillow in the wash with the blankets. I made the kids' bed up with clean sheets and blankets and then called my friend Caroline to talk about my night..... while the water in the tub was running. Thankfully I didn't stop up the tub but we're completely out of hot water right now.

I went back to the kitchen, after finally turning off the water, to do some dishes (even though we don't have hot water...smart huh?) and realized I hadn't turned off the oven yet. Where is my brain!? Did I pack it away with the DVD's?! This is driving me crazy! I feel like if I'm not running around town looking for more boxes, then I'm packing everything but my eyeballs and yet nothing seems to be getting done! Ugh. At some point I'm sure I will laugh at all of this. Right now though I just want to cry and crawl into bed....but I still have dishes to do and laundry to fold and dinner to put away and.....ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Lots of Love,

Fear Factor

2010-05-08T12:45:00.000-04:00

I don't like snakes. I'm scared to death of them. They fascinate me to the point that I'm certainly curious about them but there's no way you'll get me too close to one.

Last night I had a late night errand to run. As I was getting into my car I noticed my cat was staring at the ground. No big deal, she'll move when I start the car right? Wrong. She just stayed there staring at the ground. I get back out of the car to see what has her undivided attention and see this little gray and black looking thing slithering in the grass....towards me!

I freaked out and stepped on it's little head. Then I just stood there watching its body flip and twist as it tried to get free. "Well I don't really know what to do with you now" I said to the snake, shaking my head at how I didn't think this through all the way. I jumped back and stood as still as I could hoping the snake didn't come after me (and why shouldn't it, I was the one standing on its head!) I ran inside and grabbed a flashlight and the shovel and ran back outside. Thankfully the thing was still moving around where I could see it. I grabbed the shovel and BAM. Sliced his little head off to the best of my ability. But I missed. It took about 3 panicked shots with the shovel to really get the darn thing. Only after I killed it did I think to make sure it was indeed poisonous. (I've seen cottonmouths before but not babies) Sure enough it was. Triangle shaped head, proper coloring to the body. I shivered.

I just don't do snakes. Ever since I was a kid and almost stepped on a BIG one, I've tried to stay away from them. I'm not exactly sure what it is about them that freaks me out so much but ugh. They scare the pee out of me! My next goal (when I get up the courage) is to learn more about them and maybe find some kind of nature museum that lets me hold one (EEK!) so that I'm not so scared anymore.

In the meantime I'm freaking out over the thought of walking in my yard at night now, running by the tall grasses on my runs and every nook and cranny in between! Thank goodness I move north soon. I doubt they have as many snakes as we do! (Don't correct me if I'm wrong!! Lol)

Lots of Love,

Preparations

2010-05-05T18:13:00.000-04:00

I feel like a chicken with my head cut off. It's not like I'm incredibly busy all day long or anything but there's just so much that needs to be done that even thinking about it all tires me out. I don't know where to start. I'm quickly becoming the type of girl that relies on lists and schedules to rule the day so my next step is to write down everything that needs to be done. But I'm freaking out (yes, already) that I'll forget to do something, or write down something and then be behind or pack the wrong things and need to go through the boxes to find them or.....gah!!

I can't wait to move, but I hate the moving process. So far my list consists of:

Get more boxes (which I keep forgetting to do...)
Start separating (into boxes) the things I'm keeping and the things I'm giving to my sister
Label each box by number, have an index card matching that box with the list of contents (helps when unpacking)
Clean (thoroughly) as I go
.....

What else is there to do? Any tips on how to make this easier than it seems in my head?
In the mean time I have dinner to finish cooking, children to spend quality time with, dishes to put away and laundry to fold....I have to admit though, as much as this is wearing me out, I love being so busy.

Lots of Love,

Rain Dance

2010-05-03T13:05:00.001-04:00

Listening to the sleepy rain whisper songs of spring;
a break from the heat, a mid-season treat, a promise of better things;
sweet flowers nod and sway their heads to the rhythm that she sings;
as birdies bathe and children play in the puddles that she brings.

The wind comes in and swirls around and catches rain in a trance,
As wind does blow, the tempo slows and rain decides to dance
At seeing their fun the thunder comes and begins a new romance,
With Lightening as his number one, Thunder takes a chance

As the day goes on we hear their song and watch with careful eyes,
When Mother explains it’s not just rain the little ones start to cry,
We change our plans and gather hands as we focus upon the sky,
Adventures begin with imagination in our homes so warm and dry

Together the four go on as before, but the pace begins to quicken,
A storm starts to brew this dance isn’t through and we hope we don’t fall victim
The wind comes in gusts and enchants our lust as we fall under nature’s submission,
In no time at all the curtain does fall and the storm is in remission.

Stupid blogger messed up the flow of the lines. Anyway, enjoy my poem, let me know what you think :)
Lots of Love,

Dirty Little Secrets...

2010-05-01T19:22:00.001-04:00

For the past year I have been working on who I am. I've worked on my weight; I've worked on my mental health; I've worked on my relationship with my daughters and my relationship with people in general. I am proud of who I am today, I'm proud of how far I have come. I've blogged about it, told anyone who was willing to listen about the changes I've made, and enjoyed the praise I got for it. But there's one change that I hid from just about everyone...

When I told my mom about the abuse my father had put me through for 15 years, she believed me, but that didn't stop the rumor mill. My sisters got a lot of crap from stupid kids at school who had nothing better than to gossip about things they knew nothing about. I sifted through questions and counseling and learned the hard way that while voicing the abuse broke the power of silence my "dad" had over me, it also made the abuse more real to me in a way I didn't fully understand. When I got pregnant with Ashlie I was only 17. I heard a lot of the rumors and what most people were saying behind my back.

I learned to hide what was really going on in my mind. I learned that whatever I do, no matter what it is, someone will judge me for it. But I also learned that I have good friends who will love me through it.

In light of that, I have a confession to make. I'm sure I'll be judged and ridiculed for this but I no longer care. I have good friends who love me no matter what.

I am a liberal and an atheist. Now you might think that's a silly thing to confess, but I was raised in a very conservative home. (Well aside from the evil father figure anyway). It took me ages to tell my best friends my lack of faith. Most of them have known for a while now that I'm pretty liberal. A few of them were shocked that I kept my atheism secret and assumed it was a recent change. Honestly though, I finally admitted no longer believing in god (of any kind) to myself about 13 months ago, but I kept quiet about it because I wasn't sure how people would react. I was most worried about how my family would take it, my mother in particular. I won't go into all the details online but I did finally tell my mom. (I told my sister first, while she doesn't agree with and isn't happy with my decision to "deny god" she made it clear she loves me anyway) Anyway, it's something I've wanted to blog about for a while, but not until I told my mom. (The LAST thing I need is countless other family members who may read my blog calling and harassing my mother "do you know what your daughter said on her blog!?" Yeah, no mother needs to find out that way.)

Well that's it. That's my dirty little secret. As I told my sister, I respect her choice in believing and all I ask in return is that she respect my choice not to believe. And she's been pretty cool about it (hasn't preached to me once!) Other friends I wound up having to cut out of my life because they couldn't pass up the opportunity to quote bible verses to me every chance they got. (Yeah that's the way to convince someone, preach at them till you're blue in the fact. :| For the record it won't work.) Anyway, this is who I am. Love me or hate me, but this is me.

Lots of Love,

Excuses, excuses

2010-04-24T16:26:00.000-04:00

Ok I know it's been FOREVER since I blogged. And probably longer since I blogged anything actually worth reading but.... yeah I don't even have a good excuse. Let's just say I got lazy and let it slip.

I was lazy with my running and working out too. I can blame allergies but honestly it was just a matter of "I don't want to, you can't make me" BUT I got out there and ran today! So I figured I'd celebrate by blogging today!

I know it's Saturday and typically I do the "Six Word Saturday" thing but considering that it's 4:30pm here I feel it's a bit late to jump in and post with my 6 words now (a personal choice as Cate would NEVER say I was too late!)

I move to NY in a little under 5 weeks and I simply can not wait! (Which is part of the reason I will be blogging sporadically here for a few months - I have a ton of packing to do, then I'll have a ton of unpacking to do, then I'll have a job to work at.... etc.) I guess you could say this is my way of apologizing for not keeping up with the blogging world as much as I should, but at the same time I'm not making any promises either. I may or may not blog 3 times a week. Lol. I can commit to twice a week! I will blog two times a week from this point forward.... someone hold me accountable for that! =P

In the meantime I have yet to shower from my run and I'm feeling rather icky (and I've run out of things to talk about without rambling on incoherently at this point) so I think I'll run off and shower before I allow the guilt of not blogging often enough to eat away at my soul (lol)

Lots of Love,

Six Word Saturday - 4/17/10

2010-04-17T03:21:00.002-04:00

Happy Birthday To My Awesome Mama!!

Today is my mother's birthday. I have no idea how she's celebrating it (probably a date with my step-dad) but I hope she has an awesome day. (Yes I will be calling her later to find out how it went). For her birthday I will be planting some flowers in her garden at work for her. Something she hinted heavily at when we had lunch the other day. I plan on making her some cupcakes or a small cake this weekend as well, but I want to drop it by her work on Monday so she can brag and share with all her friends.

I love you Mama. Thank you for everything you've done for me, everything you've put up with when it comes to me, and everything you are. I am who I am today because of who you are.

Lots of Love,

Dear So and So - April 16th

2010-04-16T00:01:00.001-04:00

Dear Ex Boyfriend,
((sigh)) I don't understand idiots. I never will. I'd feel sorry for your stupidity but at this point I'm beginning to think you rather enjoy being stupid. When you call me and ask me to tell your new, overly paranoid girlfriend that you and I are in fact over, I just shake my head and laugh. When you try to get me to sympathize with you because she's going through your computer files, your phone, your texts and your mail; demanding to know where you are every second (something you did to me every single day we were together) I can't help but laugh. They say what goes around comes around, and it's so fun to watch it bite you in the ass.
BUT DO NOT expect me to actually feel sorry for you. DO NOT expect me to listen to you whine on the phone about it. That was the whole reason I left your sorry butt. I'm finished with you, your drama and your stupidity. Have a nice life buddy. You're not my problem anymore.
~Still laughing my ass off

Dear Odd Bee Looking bugs,
So you think you have a new home in the wood of my front deck? Well it's time for you to meet my new best friend....Meet Raid! Have a nice death!!
~Your gateway to the Apocalypse

Dear Sweet Daughters of Mine,
I love you so very much. I love how we can have long, deep talks about anything and everything. I love that you trust me enough to come to me when you have questions about anything and everything. I love how much closer you and I are becoming because of this. I'm so thankful you're my kids, so proud of you, and so pleased of what a lovely young ladies you are becoming (but feel free to slow down the growing up process at any time!)
~Your Proud Mama

Dear Self,
Wow. 2010 really is shaping up to be an awesome year. It's not even halfway through yet and I feel like you've grown so much, in so many ways. You don't even feel like the same person I was back in 2009. You're thinner, you're happier, you're more outspoken (if possible) but now you seem to have this cool knack for knowing when to shut up (when did you learn that one?!) I have to say I'm so much happier with your life choices this time around the sun. Keep striving to be the best you can be, so far this year you're doing an awesome job. Even the kids are glowing from the positive changes you've started. On top of all that, you've dropped yet ANOTHER 10 pounds!! SO PROUD OF YOU!
~Your old self, your future self and everything in between

Dear New Readers,
Welcome to my blog! Hop over to One 2 Try to learn more about Friday Follow and the blog hop! And thanks for stopping by!

Lots of Love,

It's so hot....

2010-04-13T15:45:00.000-04:00

Ok I'm finally home. Actually I've been home since late, late Sunday night. And I spent much of Monday sleeping off the drive down here....and the allergies that decided to aggressively attack me when I arrived.

I have fallen in love with New York and as a result I really can not stand the south much longer. I'm tired of the heat, the sneezing, the insane pollen count. I'm tired of the people who judge me instantly and scrunch their noses at me when I reply with "no I'm not currently a member of a church and no I'm not interested in trying out yours". I'm tired of the slow drivers who are more than happy to sit on your tail demanding that you go faster but then when they finally get around you they insist on driving 10 miles under the speed limit. I'm tired of the bugs, the snakes, the humidity and the bees (which seem to be everywhere!!) Oh and those horrible caterpillars that eat every leaf they can possibly find, destroying all vegetation in their paths.

Now don't go all preachy on me here but while there is nothing wrong with going to church, there is something to be said about the pure fact that all EIGHT churches I went to down here left me feeling cold and unwanted. The last church that I went to (that I actually liked!) fell apart after the Pastor ran off with the secretary and $10,000 worth of offering money. I'm tired of searching for a church that feels like home and I move in 6 weeks anyway, so I'm not searching.

I understand that pollen and bugs and even snakes are found up north, but down here they seem to be taking over the population. And yes, I know that there are idiot drivers no matter where you go....but again, the dumb ones down here seem to only be on the road when I am.....ugh.

Don't mind me though, I just have a horrible headache from the intense heatwave we're apparently experiencing and the pollen count that crawled up into the red zone somewhere around Sunday afternoon (and refuses to come back down!)

I'm taking two Benadryl and praying that tomorrow finds me more awake and in a bit of a better mood. For today all I want to do is cry and pout and snap "I MISS NEW YORK" at anyone willing to listen. (Which is why I've spent much of the day inside with the fans blowing and ice water in my hand trying to ignore the nasty temper this heat is trying to force out of me)

Sorry for venting....

Lots of Love,

Six Word Saturday 4-10-10

2010-04-10T12:28:00.000-04:00

I don't want to go home.

Tomorrow is Sunday. The end of my short vacation here in New York with my boyfriend. I have about 6-9 weeks before I move up here permanently. I know the time will fly but at the same moment it will feel like it's dragging by. If I had my way (and everything already in order) I'd stay here. But we can't always have what we want right away, and sometimes waiting for something makes it that much better when you finally get what you want.

In the mean time I will enjoy the rest of my day with Jason and try not to think about the fact that I leave for a bit, tomorrow...

Lots of Love,

Dear So&So and Friday Follow

2010-04-09T10:51:00.001-04:00

Dear New York,
I love you. You're so cute and quaint and the people here are nicer than the people in the south. WHY my friends and family tried to warn me about how cold and rude you and your habitants were, I will never understand. I for one am totally, head over heels, obsessively in love with you. And I can not wait to move here.
~Floridian by birth, New Yorker by heart

Dear Approach (set of stairs that leads up to RPI)
I have a furious love/hate relationship with you. I can not stand how out of breath you tend to make me feel and because of that I _will_ master you!! Yesterday I managed to jog up the first bit of you with no problem. By this fall I will have you mastered, that I can promise you! ((for the record these are the steepest stairs I've seen and there are a total of 5 full flights of them, each flight has at least 65 steps.))
~Getting thinner by the thought of you

Dear Boyfriend's family,
You guys are so awesome! Hanging out with and getting to know you a little better was a blast. I can't wait to be living here permanently. I think it's pretty sweet how each of us seemed to click and agree on most things. I like that you were comfortable enough with me to ask questions right off the bat and I love how I was comfortable enough to answer each one with a smile on my face. I love Jason, he loves me, it's awesome that we all seem to get along too!!
~Infatuated with how well things are going

Dear South Carolina,
I never really liked you to begin with. Texas wasn't much better. NC holds some awesome friends and family of mine and I'm sure southern hospitality exists somewhere down there, but I never did find it. Your Northern counterpart has more southern hospitality on her outter coast than you could ever hope to contain. If it wasn't for the fact that I told my kids they have to finish out the school year there; if it wasn't for the fact that there's less than 6 weeks left before school is out; if it wasn't for the fact that Ashlie's teacher was such a doll, I'd have left your stupidity and ignorance in the dust ages ago. I'm so done with you. I can not wait to become a Yankee.
Oh and PS The south will NEVER rise again. But sure, prove your ignorance by flying your stupidass "rebel" flags (who are you kidding, it's the confederate flag and everyone knows it) amongst the junk cars and trashed yards as you drink your 7th beer, scratch your fat bellies and claim that revenge will be yours....
~Done with this place!

Hope your Friday is lovely! Thanks for dropping by!

Lots of Love,

How We "Met"

2010-04-07T10:41:00.000-04:00

Ok so now that I'm here in NY and with Jason I finally feel "comfortable" enough to tell you all how Jason and I met. (Judge me all you want, lol)

About 2.5 years ago I was going through a tough time. I had a part time job that was barely paying the bills and hours on end to myself at home while the kids were at school. I was bored, lonely and frustrated with life in general at the time.

Being in this state I sought out human contact....via chat rooms on myspace.
The first chat that caught my attention was the Christianity chat room. I thought it would be cool to hang out and chat with people who believed similarly to what I believed at the time and being the middle of the morning, I assumed it would probably be mostly moms chatting. Boy was I ever wrong. First off there were more atheists than anything else in that chat room; secondly most of them seemed to be college students looking for good debates.

The cool thing was though that I got to defend what I believed and research it thoroughly daily. Chatting became my new addiction. If the kids were at school and I had free time you could find me in that chat room. Jason was there on occasion. To make a long story short he was one of the best debators and people were very black and white when it came to their opinions of him. But there was something about him that sparked my interest like nothing else. Maybe it was his perfect grammar, or his extensive vocabulary, or maybe it was just the way he presented his case with such confidence and certainty that you almost questioned yourself for disagreeing with him. Whatever it was I became infatuated with him quickly.

We made a fast friendship and started talking via Messenger services as well as in chat. Neither of us really picked up a romantic interest in the other for a while, after all he was in NY and I was in SC and this was through the internet...

But something changed. He dated a girl who I knew was all wrong for him and all I kept thinking was that it would be so much easier if they broke up. I had to start questioning my interest in his relationship with this other girl. Who was I to tell him she was bad for him? I was his friend. Wasn't it my job to just be happy he was happy? I wound up leaving the internet world for a while because of it. I figured it was better for him to be happy with said girl and for me to just walk away. Obviously somewhere along the way I had invested too much emotionally in an online friendship.

I never forgot him though. I didn't have net for almost 9 months. Last April I got my internet reconnected and found out that he and the girl had in fact broken things off, he learned that she was in fact wrong for him and ended the relationship before it got out of hand. I can't remember who messaged who first but I remember being so happy to have my best guy friend back. I knew I was falling for him. In June of 2009 we started talking about me going up to visit him sometime. And decided to try net dating...

I am currently here in NY with Jason. I plan to move here in May. I don't care how crazy this all seems, I don't care if people still see net relationships as taboo or stupidity or whatever else. For us this works, and this is the best relationship I've ever had. I really got to know Jason as a friend before ever investing my heart in this. And I think that made a world of difference.

Anyway, that's our story! Till next time....

Lots of Love,

Lockdown!!

2010-04-06T12:17:00.002-04:00

So Jason and I had plans to go to his office on campus this morning and just hang out for an hour or so (check emails, facebook, twitter....etc) and then he had class and I was going to run to the store and pick up a few things.....

But some idiot thought it would be a brilliant idea to rob a local store at gunpoint and then run to campus to hide out.....

So we're under lockdown until they find the ~~bastard~~ ~~idiot~~ dumbass trying to look like a student.... fun stuff.

The crazy part is we've been under lockdown since around 10am....it's now 12pm. Now I know this is a big campus, and I understand that today it's larger in population because it's orientation week, which begs to ask, why haven't you people caught him yet?

I mean I'm hanging out at one of the most technologically advanced colleges, that puts out some of the brightest minds in America, and you guys haven't figured out how to post the idiot's picture yet?
Hello!? This is the age of information!!!
He has to have left fingerprints or something at the scene! I mean it's obvious you know exactly who you're looking for by the constant blasting of detailed information on what he looks like.
At the very least the store he robbed most likely has security cameras! Snag the image of him, then email it out.
You have thousands of students, teachers and visiting potentials on campus right now at this moment. All of us are bored out of our minds. Classes have been canceled and we aren't allowed to even leave the buildings. At this point we're checking our emails more often than a chain smoker takes drags right now: hoping, begging, praying to whatever god we choose to believe in will let us get back to our regular scheduled programming.....

You would think someone would have figured out a way to catch this guy a little faster by now, but obviously the local Police Department does not currently have any RPI students or graduates in its employ.

((sigh))

Until further notice I will be here.... a tiny office on a big campus, with tons of coffee and no coffee creamer. If you could somehow sneak some to me, PLEASE DO!!!

******UPDATE******

While they never did catch the tard who stole over $40,000 from a bank (and somehow managed to get away) the students, teachers and visitors here are no longer on campus lockdown. There are, however, cops everywhere. I, for one, hope they catch the idiot... he kept me from being allowed to go get my morning coffee for HOURS! I am not a friendly girl without my coffee..... rawr!

BUT I have coffee now, so it's all good!

Lots of Love,

Vacation in Troy - The Weekend

2010-04-05T09:59:00.001-04:00

I'm spending a full 11 days here in Troy, NY with my wonderful boyfriend so all my posts this week will most likely be centered around that. I'll be here through Saturday the 10th, driving back Sunday the 11th....I don't want to leave. If I had my way I'd move the kids and I up here now but I have to do what's best for the kids and not just what my heart desires. (What's best meaning they finish out the last month and a half at the current school they're in).

I arrived late Thursday night (technically early Friday morning). I practically flew the whole way here (New Yorkers only follow the speed limit when the sun is up apparently - but it was a fun drive - all 16 hours of it!) and by flew, mom (who I am sure is reading this) I mean not more than 5 miles over the speed limit....maybe. Lol.

Anyway, I arrived late Thursday night. Jason had gone out of his way and bought and cooked lobster for my arrival.... the only problem was I'd gotten stuck in traffic not 30 minutes from my destination which threw my arrival back by another hour and a half. Which means that by the time I got here the lobster was in the fridge and cold (which he felt horrible for, silly man) I was too hungry to care and so impressed at the fact that someone had actually bought me lobster that I enjoyed every bite of it without bothering to even heat it up first. (Hey I'm Floridian by birth, seafood tastes best the next day or after being chilled sometimes, don't knock it)

The cute thing was while he'd spent an insane amount of money on the lobster he hadn't thought of how exactly were were supposed to crack it open.... so we laughed and giggled about it while standing at his kitchen counter trying to crack the shells with our bare hands. I actually pulled that one off! I was very impressed with myself, my workouts are certainly paying off lol.
At one point I asked if he had a hammer and he cracked a joke about how redneck we were being and we just laughed for a good 15 minutes. It was adorable. Something straight out of a chick flick I'm sure.

Friday we walked to Jason's campus (he's in grad school working on getting his PhD) and went up about 80 million stairs. The sad thing is this picture of the stairs is barely one half of them. Lol. My butt feels like I just had it surgically lifted. Going up once was one thing, but we have gone up these almost twice a day since I got here. I'm not really complaining though, as worn out as I am by the top I also know this is a fabulous workout. I still have to stop halfway up and take a breather for about 3 minutes before continuing but my goal is to have these mastered, no break, before I leave for home.

Saturday we went to the Museum of Natural History in Albany, NY. My camera started acting funny and then eventually the batteries died just after a few shots but it was a lot of fun anyway. Plus I'm sure I'll be dragging my kids there a lot when we move up here so I'll have more chances to take pictures.

On Sunday we went to see How to Train a Dragon in 3D (my first ever 3D movie). It was adorable!! I mean simply adorable. I won't do any spoilers but seriously, if you have the funds go see this movie. The last kid targeted movie I raved this much about was Hoodwinked (another awesome one). I really, really, really loved this one.

After the movie we went next door to the Cheesecake Factory for dinner and dessert. Also superb. I ordered the Fettucini with Chicken and Sundried Tomatoes, which was honestly a little bland (seriously people, marrinate your chicken then cook it, gives the pasta a better flavor). In fact I wound up asking the server to please bring me some garlic powder (which actually livened up the dish a bit!) Dessert though.... Oh My God was it wonderful. I had the Blackout cake (pictured here) with an espresso. It was HUGE. I managed to finish off half of it, the other half is in the fridge at Jason's awaiting me for lunch. Lol.

Jason is so awesome by the way. He and I click so well together. We laugh and crack jokes and just seem to get exactly what the other is saying or thinking. The connection is unbelievable. I'm so in love. And I love it here in Troy (which is good because I'm moving here at the end of May). I mean I figured I'd like it, but I had no idea I would fall so quickly in love with a town! It's a town!! It's just so cute and quaint and everything is all close together (a big difference from the country atmosphere I currently live in)

I thought for sure I'd miss my wide open spaces and always prefer a quiet country life over a city life..... boy was I ever wrong. Now granted I don't live here yet, but I just feel so at home here. More so than I do at my own house back in SC!!

((sigh)) Ok enough rambling. I'm sure I'll have more to blog about as the week progresses. Oh! And apparently I'm a guest blogger over at Janet's blog "Out of the Extraordianry" She and I set this up MONTHS ago, but both of us forgot till the last minute, lol. So if you get a chance be sure to drop by and read my post there as well!

Lots of Love,

Rules of the Internet

2010-03-30T22:20:00.000-04:00

A friend of mine realized I was having an overly dramatic day due to internet drama and posted these for me. I thought they were pretty funny so I'm reposting them here (see rule 24)

Enjoy!

1. Do not talk about /b/
2. Do NOT talk about /b/
3. We are Anonymous.
4. Anonymous is legion.
5. Anonymous does not forgive
6. Anonymous can be a horrible, senseless, uncaring monster.
7. Anonymous is still able to deliver.
8. There are no real rules about posting.
9. There are no real rules about moderation either — enjoy your ban.
10. If you enjoy any rival sites — DON'T.
11. All your carefully picked arguments can easily be ignored.
12. Anything you say can and will be used against you
13. Anything you say can be turned into something else - fixed
14. Do not argue with a troll — it means that they win.
15. The harder you try the harder you will fail.
16. If you fail in epic proportions it may just become a winning failure.
17. Every win fails eventually.
18. Everything that can be labeled can be hated.
19. The more you hate it, the stronger it gets.
20. Nothing is to be taken seriously.
21. Original content is original only for a few seconds before getting old.
22. Copypasta is made to ruin every last bit of originality.
23. Copypasta is made to ruin every last bit of originality.
24. Every repost is always a repost of a repost.
25. Relation to the original topic decreases with every single post
26. Any topic can easily be turned into something totally unrelated
27. Always question a person’s sexual preference without any real reason.
28. Always question a person’s gender - just in case it’s really a man
29. In the internet all girls are men and all kids are undercover FBI agents.
30. There are no girls on the internet.
31. TITS or GTFO – the choice is yours.

32. You must have pictures to prove your statements.
33. Lurk more – it’s never enough
34. There is porn of it. No exceptions.
35. If no porn is found of it, it will be made.

36. There will always be even more fucked up shit than what you just saw.

37. You can not divide by zero, just because the calculator says so.

38. No real limits of any kind here apply – not even the sky.

39. CAPS LOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL

40. EVEN WITH CRUISE CONTROL YOU STILL HAVE TO STEER

41. Desu isn’t funny. Seriously guys, it’s worse than Chuck Norris jokes.

42. Nothing is sacred.

43. The more beautiful and pure a thing is, the more satisfying to corrupt it.

44. Even one positive comment about Japanese things can make you a weeabo.

45. When one sees a lion, one must get into the car!

46. There is always furry porn of it.

47. The pool is always closed.

Lots of Love,

Random Ramblings

2010-03-26T21:14:00.000-04:00

I know it has been forever since I even bothered to write a blog, let alone read one, but things at the Autumn Household have been so busy lately. Spring finally arrived (thank god) and I've been spending every free moment outside with my kids playing, jumping and running around with them. My "non-spare moments" consist of job hunting, cleaning, organizing, packing for the move in May and/or working out. By the time the kids go down I'm worn out and just looking for something mindless to do (like watching tv, reading a good book or what not).

In other news I'm getting discouraged again (come on, by now you should know I go through this about once a month) I've only dropped about five more pounds weight wise but the inches are falling off now. I went down a full 2.5 inches around my belly, my bust and my thighs. In the matter of a few weeks. My metabolism has spiked to full blown normal power (which means I'm starving all day long and yet still losing body mass, which is wonderful.)

When it comes to running though I've lost a bit of my mojo. I'm still out there and running but I got stuck on week 6 of the c2k. I think I'm pushing myself too fast and too hard way too quickly. I get worn out before the time is up and then discouraged to even try again. Ugh. Why do I do this to myself so often? Why can I not just simply be proud of myself and then push it to the next level. I mean at this point it's not a matter of "if" I can do it, I am doing it. But some little voice gets stuck in my head and I freak out that this is all for naught.

Sighhhhhhhhhhhh. I refuse to give up. That's one of the things I love about myself. I refuse to give up. And that almost always winds up paying off for me. Forgive my rambling, I am just, once again, battling the horrid little voice that screams at me about all my past mistakes and failures and tries to convince me that I can't do things. The good news is she's getting quieter and quieter, it's quite hard to hear that stupid little voice above the rushing sound of pounds and inches falling off of me, or above the cat calls I'm getting again ;)

Now if only we can get Hollywood on board with the "Plastic looking women and heroin chic" image is CRAP then maybe the self esteem issues will dissipate completely! =D

Lots of Love,

Six Word Saturday - 3-20-10

2010-03-20T08:09:00.000-04:00

Thanks! I had a Wonderful Birthday!

I didn't go out and party hard. I didn't have a fancy dinner or tons of cake. A friend came over and cleaned house for me, another ordered pizza for me. I spent time catching up with old friends via the internet and reading a good book (Revelation Space by Alastair Reynolds). 10 years ago I would have tried to bring in a new birthday year with more partying than I could handle (especially at that age!)

This time around? I did what I wanted to do, relaxed and stayed home. And it was a fabulous birthday! (Oh and it was 72° F, sunny and there wasn't a cloud in the sky! How cool is that?!)

Lots of Love,

Happy Birthday to Me!

2010-03-19T00:04:00.000-04:00

Your average Birthday cake (this is the only one I did not decorate)

Today is my birthday. I am 27 years old now. I'm trying not to harp on the fact that this means 30 is just 3 years away. Maybe if I ignore that tiny detail 30 won't seem so close. I'm not scared of getting older anymore though either (not that 30 is old) I used to freak about birthdays, I hated them with a passion. This year though I look forward to it. Birthdays have a way of making me think about how the past year was for me and where I want the next one to go.

Death by Chocolate

26 was hard emotionally but I also learned a whole lot about who I am and what I can accomplish when I set my mind to things. That means a lot to me, accomplishing goals. All in all while 26 was hard but I'd have to give it a B+ purely for all the work I put into the things I wanted done and the fact that I accomplished so much personally:
I lost 65 pounds from 26 to 27;
I started running 3 times a week;
I got the house cleaned and organized;
I dropped a boyfriend who never understood me and refused to treat me well;
I finally admitted that I've been in love with my best guy friend for years (to him) and am now dating him;
I took time off from the computer often and spent more time getting to know my girls;
And I finally, finally, actually feel sexy for the first time in 10 long years!!

Pink Flip Flop Cake

There's just so much that I accomplished last year that it winds up outweighing the bad stuff. I might not be able to control the things that go on around me but I can control how I react to those things. I've always known that but to learn it first hand is interesting to say the least.

Mr. Froggy Cake

What will 27 bring me? If I stick to what I started last year, I'll accomplish some pretty amazing goals (like getting down to my goal weight!). If I remember the lessons I learned last year, maybe I can avoid making the same mistakes this time around the sun. I've made some awesome friends who care about me and love me that I know will be there for me when I have hard times this year. I don't expect 27 to be perfect, but so far, even just these few hours into it, I already know this is going to be an amazing year!!

Now the only question is, which cake do I want?! (I made these by the way, when I used to decorate cakes for a living) I think I'll go with chocolate cake decorated with....

Carnations!!!

(Which are more fun to decorate than roses!)

Happy Birthday to Me!

Lots of Love,

St. Patrick's Day Fun (ruined for a moment)

2010-03-17T15:51:00.001-04:00

I'm so tired of my daughters school. I'm tired of this teacher in particular who goes out of her way to make sure my kid knows she's not the teachers pet. Today's "fun St. Patrick's Day" joke (or trick or whatever you want to call it) is a perfect example of this.

Jessica (my youngest, 7 years old, in 1st grade) comes home and asks if the leprechaun has come by the house yet. I asked her what she was talking about and gently explained that there's no such thing as leprechauns.
Apparently her teacher (or someone in the school) visited the classroom while the students were outside playing on the playground, and "made the classroom messy, even the teachers desk" and left a note saying it was the St. Patrick's Day leprechaun. The teacher had set it up before they went out to play, she told the kids that she needed to make sure she locked the door and left a note on her desk telling the St. Patrick's Day Leprechaun not to mess up the room or her desk. (Apparently leprechauns are evil bullies now, great thing to be teaching my kid, thanks)
But that wasn't enough of a prank to leave the kids in Jessica's class. It also left 50 cents for the "two best students in class who were smart enough to make leprechaun traps" (Jessica's words of what her teacher said). Jessica was not one of those students.
I got to spend 10 minutes holding a crying child and trying to explain why her teacher would lie to her and all her friends at school. Those are her words by the way. She asked me directly, with tears in her eyes "Why did my teacher lie and give some kids money but not everyone? I'm a good kid mommy, I didn't get any monies".

Thanks a lot Ms X. You've been a problem all year long.

I expect other students to be mean to my children. I expect kids to be kids but I hate that I'm having to handle problems caused by the teacher. At first I thought it might actually be my kid who was the problem, after all she's my daughter, and I'm fairly sassy when I want to be. But when I talked to her substitute teachers (she's had quite a few this year) they all tell me that my daughter is one of the best behaved children they've seen. Furthermore, Jessica is the type of child who will write you letters telling you she loves you and drawing you pictures of random things. It's way of expressing who she is and how she feels. When she drew a picture for her teacher a few weeks back I told her it was lovely and Jessica responded with "I hope this makes my teacher like me more!" with hope shining in her eyes.
I have now come to the conclusion that this teacher is a pain in the neck that doesn't deserve the job she has. She has 22 amazing students in her care on a daily basis. That's 22 young, impressionable lives who look up to and learn from her every word. I understand that this teacher had a baby at the beginning of the school year (one of the reasons for so many subs throughout the year). I understand that it can be hard to have to go back to work when you have a brand new little one at home. I even understand that it's probably not easy having to take off days to get your child checked out by the doctor (or whatever reason she's been absent) and then come back and deal with 22 children who might have forgotten a few of the rules in your absence. What I can not understand is why on earth you chose to teach 1st grade when it's more than clear you can't handle it.

Thankfully we only have to deal with this for two and half more months. I've had to go to the counselor and the vice principal twice because of this nonsense. For the record, I have written out every incident and copied every note sent home from this teacher and plan on turning it into the school board at the end of the year. I made sure to include how the school handled the times I reported problems with her, but for the most part I honestly think this teacher needs to leave. She can teach rats or something. Children have feelings, the last person at school that they need breaking their hearts is their teacher.

Furiously Annoyed,

Mentally Drained

2010-03-16T07:31:00.001-04:00

Yesterday my boyfriend and I went through my finances, my debt and all my expenses and made a budget and a plan. Being out of work still even thinking about money has the potential to send me into a panic attack. I simply hate it, with a passion, but I still need things to live, money or no money. My mom is currently paying for most of my bills, the rest gets paid by the small cash flow I have from friends, family and donations made here that I randomly receive (thanks to those of you who donate, even $5 goes a long way at this point!)

After two hours of tracking down every stupid debt on my credit and going over my expenses with a fine tooth comb we managed to come up with a plan. The emotional drain of finding out just how much I really do owe coupled with the fact that until I do get a job (and a good one at that) wore on me though. I couldn't handle it. The old me would have run to her room and cried for hours on end as she convinced herself that she was a failure and therefore not worth the pillow her tears fell onto. The new me needed something physical to do to get out my frustrations.....so I went running.

I'm trying to change so much in my life right now that it gets to be very overwhelming. I've lost a ton of weight, gotten back into better physical shape then I've probably ever been in (and I'm not even at my goal weight yet!) and de-cluttered my home. Now I just need to whip my financial situation into shape. And find a job, even a crappy fast food job would be a blessing at this point.

The main problem job wise are my hours. I have two kids and no after-school for them so it crunches what little availability I do have down to almost nothing. My mom is trying to help with that but in todays job market (especially where I currently live) most companies look for flexibility in scheduling, a luxury I just don't have right now. So when I see my debt stacked up, even with a plan in hand, if there's no real income getting out of that hole seems impossible.

The run went well. I made my fastest time yet, mostly because I pushed myself harder than I ever have before, out of pure anger at allowing any debt to incur in the first place. The good news is I was able to mentally think through my run and realize that I have come so far with the running, I have cleaned and organized so much with the house, surely I can overcome this too.

My birthday is Friday, I'm only 27, life for me has a long way to go, I can turn this around. It's just going to take a lot of dedication.

Today I will be out there looking for a job yet again. I don't even care what kind of job I get at this point, I just need income. Desperately.

Keep me in your thoughts and prayers today please, I know emotionally, financially, I'm going to need them!

And on a side note check out C.Beth's blog, she's got a giveaway going on for lolipops (figured I'd give some good news with the bad news lol)

Lots of Love,

Six Word Saturday - 3-13-10

2010-03-13T04:31:00.000-05:00

I just want to go running!!

It has been almost a full week since I've felt healthy enough to go running. I miss it. More than I thought I would. I got food poisoning on Monday, you'd think I'd be over it by now. I will be running Sunday whether I feel like it or not! Thank GOD for the nice spring weather we have though!!

Lots of Love,

Dear So and So - March 12th

2010-03-12T06:44:00.000-05:00

Dear Sushi,
You know I love you. I rarely treat myself to enjoying all that you have to offer. Why oh why did you have to get me sick? I just don't understand. Next time I chose to enjoy some fresh sushi I might change my mind.
Poisoned by your love (or lack thereof) ~the one hiding under the covers all week

Dear Karma (my dog),
When you roll around in dead things; I will give you a bath. When you get the bright idea to dig in the mud; I will give you a bath. When you dive head first for the trashcan and make a huge mess and then roll around in that; I will give you a bath. When I give you a bath; I will brush your teeth. This is how it's going to work, get used to it!!
Tired of stinky dog, ~Mom

Dear Jessica,
I know you have a pure heart. I understand that you just wanted your friend to have a nice birthday. I'm ok with that, really. But when you take Mommy's money and give it to your friend for her birthday gift, I can't allow that to happen. Thank God the mother of the little girl who you gave the money to made her give it back, thank God the school called to let me know just how much money you were trying to give away. I love you sweet child of mine, but you need to learn what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine too.
Freaked out for a moment but I'm all good now, ~Mommy

Dear Rain,
Normally you tend to bug me when the weatherman calls for a 4 day visit from you, but since I'm still recovering from the sushi incident I have to say you are a welcome sight. At least I am not fully tempted to get out and run before I'm fully recovered. And it's nice to know I'm not missing out on the gorgeous weather that is sure to follow your dreary days. So thanks for perfect timing!
Sleeping through miserable weather, ~Recovering Jogger

Lots of Love,

Food Poisoning

2010-03-09T07:11:00.001-05:00

Yesterday I had several errands to run. Being the penny pincher I have to be right now I made myself a lunch (I knew I would probably be out from right after the kids got on the bus to right after they got off the bus) packed up the car with the give-away bags and my list of things to do and headed out. I completely forgot my lunch though. Halfway through my day I realized I didn't have my sandwich on me and there was no point driving all the way home just to pick it up. I dropped by my favorite health food store and picked up a small thing of sushi. I really love sushi. About an hour later though...

To put it nicely and spare you the details the sushi didn't love me back. I wound up going home about 2 hours after eating the stuff because my tummy felt weird. I spent the rest of the day and all night with my new best friend, the toilet. This morning I still feel awful. I have never had food poisoning like this before and I have no idea how to handle it, other than lots of water and rest.

The worst part for me is I obviously can't go running right now. I'm thinking this makes me an official runner now. I know I need to rest, I know running is a bad idea, but my heart still wants to go. (Don't worry, I won't. I doubt I could walk down the driveway at this point.)

According to my research (and I research everything) I should be ok again in 24-48 hours, but it could take my body up to a week to recover. Yay =(

In the mean time I can be found in bed, covered from head to toe in blankets, with my water bottle tucked close to me, or next to my new best friend, wishing I had remembered my stupid lunch or driven home to get it.

Have you ever had food poisoning? How long did it take for you to feel better? What tips do you have for the mom who just wants this to go away already? As always, any advice you have will be much appreciated!

Going back to bed for now...

Lots of Love,

Goal - 20 minute run. Status - Complete!

2010-03-04T14:08:00.000-05:00

Wow. Just wow! Today was my longest run EVER. I ran for 20 minutes straight!! Including my 5 minute warm up and 5 minute cool down I went 2.8 miles in just 30 minutes!! I feel so awesome!

About 5 minutes through my mind kept trying to tell me there was just no way I could do this, that it hadn't been long enough, I hadn't trained hard enough, etc. I kept telling myself to shut up. "I can do this! I have come so far, I simply must do this!" I kept telling myself. This was a mentally tough run. Physically it started to hurt a bit around 17-18 minutes of running but at that point I was so close to finishing that there was no way I was quitting!!

I just got back from my run so I'm still partly worn out but I wanted to post this before I got distracted with other things! I can't believe I managed to complete today's run but I did it!!! The cool part is I just crossed the "hardest part" of the program. Which means it's all downhill from here (haha yeah I can only dream!)

Until next time....

Lots of Love,

A "Brief" Catching Up

2010-03-03T20:54:00.001-05:00

Apparently the stomach bug is making it's way through my home. My oldest had it Sunday and Monday. My youngest had it last night and while she was fine today it won't surprise me if she wakes up with leftover icky feelings. My stomach isn't exactly happy with me but I'm ignoring it. I refuse to get sick again. Refuse!

I have received several awards from two fellow bloggers: Marissa at Getting Back to Basics and Ebony at Sizzling Publications both gifted me awards (that I had received from other bloggers already but that's neither here nor there, I'm grateful for all the awards I can get! Especially since I'm not checking up on you guys as much as I would like to!) Thanks ladies for the awards! If you haven't checked out these blogs yet please do so!

Tomorrow is my first 20 minute run. I will be running for 20 minutes straight with no breaks or walking in between. I'm slightly nervous but more than that I'm just apprehensive to get out there and get it over with! My weight training hit a wall though. Trying to care for a sick kid till 3am last night meant no real energy left for today which means it's nearly 9pm and I still haven't done my workout for today. At this point I don't think I'm going to either. I'm not giving up but I'm just so worn out!!

I go job hunting again on Friday (the last place didn't work out like I thought it would.) I'm so tired of hunting. I think it's really starting to effect my moods now too. If I didn't have running to rejoice over I'd probably be ready to slip into depression again. Thankfully I'm not though and I really do believe it's because of all the mini goals I keep conquering with running.

Hmmm let's see.... I travel to NY in 4 weeks for a much needed vacation time with my boyfriend and I honestly can not wait!!
Spring is a mere 16 days away which means my birthday is only 14 days away (March 19th). I'll be turning 27....3 years from 30....which apparently is ancient to my oldest. "Wow mom 30?! That's Ollllllllllllllllllllllld!!" Gee thanks kid. Lol.

I paid off 3 months worth of bills on everything except rent (which I'm keeping month to month for a reason). Do you know how good it feels to get a bill in the mail that you can say "I already paid that! And the next two months as well!"? It feels amazing.

It's been a tiring week and we are only halfway through it, but it's also been wonderfully productive.
If I do in fact get sick (I refuse!) I might go MIA until I get over it (about 48 hours if my kids are any sort of indication of how long this thing will last).

Pray we all get better and that my run goes smoothly tomorrow! I'm determined to get out there and do this! In the mean time, I am in desperate need for sleep!

Lots of Love,

Loving the Running

2010-03-02T14:57:00.000-05:00

I took Saturday, Sunday and Monday off as far as running goes. Not because I had anything really going on but because I was lazy and just didn't feel like it. Horrible reason I know, but I got back out there and ran today....in the snow!!!

The plan was to go running this afternoon after temps warmed up a bit...but it started snowing around 11am. I didn't want to put the run off again though, I wanted to get back out there and do it, so I grabbed my shoes, put on my long sleeved shirt, a sweatshirt and a heavy waterproof jacket and ran out the door before I could talk myself out of it.

It. Was. AWESOME! I ran for 8 minutes, walked for 3 then ran for 8 again. Both 8 minute runs went by so much faster than I thought they would. I probably could have held conversation throughout the whole running segments. I'm so proud of myself right now I could scream for joy (but I won't, we don't need the neighbors thinking I'm screaming for fear instead of joy...lol)

My next run is Thursday and it will be a 20 minute run, no walking breaks in between. I think I can, I think I can.....I just have to remember to go slow and steady. Endurance first speed later....boy that's a tough lesson to follow though!

Lots of Love,

OMG I FORGOT!!!

2010-02-27T12:04:00.002-05:00

Apparently, Organization Doesn't Prevent Total Forgetfulness

I don't know where my mind has been lately but I feel like I'm forgetting more and more things!! I didn't remember the kids' art fair at school (Thursday night) until the school called with a friendly reminder. I left my wallet in the car even though I knew I was supposed to be buying dinner (had to run from the kids' cafeteria all the way back to the car and back just for $4.50)
I forgot yesterday was Friday until around 4pm when my ex showed up to get the kids for the weekend. I forgot today was Saturday. I forgot about 6WS (until a few seconds ago). I left my pack of gum on top of my car last night and then drove home only to find it had somehow survived the 8 mile trip from the bar and grill to the house on the hood of my car. And that's just from the past few days!! I could go on and on (but I'll spare you)

I just feel so loopy lately!! I'm not on any meds, I'm getting enough sleep, I'm working out, I take my daily vitamins (somehow I've yet to forget those, thank goodness) and my house is fairly organized. Why am I feeling extra forgetful lately?

Hints, suggestions, ideas, ways you remember things are greatly appreciated!! Thanks!

Lots of Love,

A Donut Earned!!

2010-02-26T13:01:00.001-05:00

I DID IT!!!!!!!! I decided last night that I was going to skip my C2k week4 day3 run and do the first day of week 5 instead. The week 4 runs were just really easy for me and I wanted a bit more of a challenge (plus that takes off the pressure on my Monday run, the scare is over and week 5 is already started!!)

I kept a steady pace and only struggled a little on the last minute of the last 5 minute run. For those of you who have never done C2K before week 5 goes like this:
Day1
5 minute warmup
5 minute run
3 minute walk
5 minute run
3 minute walk
5 minute run
5 minute cool down

Day2
5 minute warm up
8 minute run
5 minute walk
8 minute run
5 minute cool down

Day3
5 minute warm up
20 minute run
5 minute cool down

Day three scares me. Especially since the next two runs will be done outdoors (unless I can beg a friend to let me go to her gym, still working on that) Outside running is NOT easy for me. It's harder on my knees, the cold air is hard on my lungs, and there's these big hills that just ugh!!! But if push comes to shove I will be out there pounding pavement bright and early {and by that I mean 1pm} Monday morning! {Er....afternoon}

Funny things that happened today:

~ While I was running on the treadmill I was watching some guy and his wife who had just bought a matress from the store next to the gym. He was trying to look all big and tough and put the matress on top of his car all by himself....he dropped it, twice. I almost choked on my gum I was laughing so hard.

~ I promised myself a donut if I did well on my run today. You should have seen the woman who waited on me. Granted I entered the donut shop wearing a tank top and workout pants, sweaty from my run still. She looked me up and down, cocked her eyebrows and asked what I wanted. I ordered ONE donut. That's it just one. She asked me a total of 4 times if I was sure I only wanted one. Lol. I wound up splitting the donut in half and giving it to my kids when they got home from school, I just didn't want to ruin all the calories I burned in my run. I did deserve it, but I couldn't eat it. Lol. Besides, I'm told week 5 day 3 is the big run, or at least the beginning of the big runs. It will be the first time I run for 20 minutes straight with no walking in between. If manage to succeed there (and I'm sure I will) then I will probably buy myself a donut....maybe.....I just hate ending such a good "diet" streak. Lol. I'll keep you posted =)

Still on my runners high from my run, I feel amazing!!!! GO ME!!!

If you're at all interested in doing the C2K program here are the sites I HIGHLY recommend:
http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml - The Program its self
http://www.ullreys.com/robert/Podcasts/podcasts/podcasts.html - Podcasts I listen to when running. It's basically music and a guy who tells you when it's time to run and when it's time to walk (great since I would rather NOT watch the clock)
http://www.facebook.com/C25Kplan?ref=nf - Facebook group, awesome for moral support and finding others who are doing this program too.
http://www.dailymile.com/ - Great place to track your workouts and meet people from all over (including near you) who work out and have the same passions you do (and struggles and wishes and questions....)

Let me know if you start doing this program or if you join any of the above sites (all free) I have accounts on all of them =)

Lots of Love,

That Should Fix That

2010-02-26T01:26:00.002-05:00

Apparently I forgot to update my feedburner stats. Oops. I finally switched feedburner over to the new web address http://www.autumninjeans.com/ so hopefully my blog will show up in your Google Reader and on the dashboard and all that jazz again.

If you're having problems still and not being notified of new blog posts PLEASE let me know by emailing me (click here) or commenting below. Hopefully we'll get this resolved quickly.

In other news: The stupid scale has not budged for TWO WEEKS. I felt stuck for a while until I remembered that I was supposed to be taking weekly measurements too!! While the scale sits comfortably at 155, in the past two weeks I have lost a FULL INCH off my waist and a FULL INCH off the circumference of each upper arm!!! YAY!!!

I'll post about my run tomorrow (after I actually run it lol) I'm skipping wk4day3 and going straight into wk5. Wish me luck!

Lots of Love,

Couch 2 5k halfway DONE!!

2010-02-24T14:01:00.000-05:00

I'm halfway through with the C2k program!!! I had an awesome run today! I kept my pace at 5.1 on the treadmill through all my run times and wound up going over 2 miles this time around which was great!

Funny story; I got hit on when I was running today. Some guy came up and got on the treadmill next to mine and started asking how long I'd been going to the gym and stuff. At first I thought he was just making conversation (let's give him the benefit of the doubt) but then he started asking if I had dinner plans and stuff and I finally had to tell him (during one of my walk times) that I was flattered but there to work out, not get picked up. I put the headphones back on and started running again. The poor guy must have taken it way harsher than I meant for him to though because he got off the treadmill, grabbed his stuff, and LEFT THE GYM!! I felt kind of bad but seriously dude! Lol. Oh well.

I can not WAIT to get back and run the last run of week 4 and then start week 5 next week! I'm halfway through!! GO ME!!

Lots of Love,

Run, run as fast as you can!!

2010-02-23T06:00:00.000-05:00

I got a free 7 day pass to a local gym this week because the weather turned kind of nasty and I figured if I'm going to keep up the running I might as well do it on a treadmill. I really LOVE this gym but there's just no way I can afford the membership fee ($45 a month plus $30 deposit). No big deal really but still....it's kind of like getting to drive a rental while your car is in the shop. Your car works just fine but the rental is just oh so nice!!

I took almost a full week off from running because I had the stomach bug and my allergies were driving me nuts. (Plus my knee has been bothering me for a while now too) Anyway, I went running yesterday at the gym on the treadmill. Instead of finishing out week 3 of the C2K program I just skipped ahead to week 4. IT WAS AWESOME!!! I ran for three minutes straight, walked for 90 seconds ran for 5 minutes straight, walked for 2 and a half minutes then repeated that cycle once. I wasn't out of breath at the end of it, I didn't feel like I was going to pass out and I felt awesome for actually doing it!!

I loved it!! I'm really getting into the running parts now, from here on out I'll be running more than walking and I'm so psyched about it!! If you want to get me a great birthday present I'm more than open to a gym membership!! Lol (my birthday is in March..just saying...)

I can't wait to get back in there and run some more!! The cool part is in less than 3 weeks I'll be running the whole time, no walking in between! I can totally do this!

Lots of Love,

I just don't understand that....

2010-02-22T10:13:00.002-05:00

I just don't get some people. For my daughter's birthday I told her she could invite one friend from class to come spend the night. We were supposed to go skating on Friday and then head back home and she and her friend (and her sister) would be allowed to watch movies and paint their nails and just have a girls night together.

Ashlie was so excited. She spent about 45 minutes picking out a friend from her class that she really wanted to be better friends with. (She doesn't have many friends and it took her a long time to pick someone who "wouldn't make fun of where we live" - we live in a tiny two bedroom and Ashlie has it in her head that everyone else lives in these huge mansions.)

I tried all week long last week to get a hold of the little girl's parents that Ashlie wanted to spend the night. I called every night to try and set this up. FINALLY on Thursday night of last week the mother got back to me. She was rude and fairly mean and told me that her daughter wasn't "the type to want to spend the night at a friends and hates going out to places like skating." Yeah right. All 9 year old girls LOVE the idea of spending the night with other friends.

I figured it was probably because the Mom didn't know who I was and was uncomfortable with her daughter spending the night at a strangers house. No big deal, I can totally relate to that. So I offered to just take her daughter skating with my kids, we could come over and say hi and get to know them a bit, hell they could even go with us if they wanted. Whatever it took to make my daughters birthday better. She turned me down at every point. (And used horrible grammar doing it, which is one of my biggest pet peeves, but I bit my tongue and stayed polite)

In the end the little girl never did get to come over and I got to spend Thursday night consoling a tearful, heartbroken 9 year old. We made the best of it though. Instead of skating my mom and I took the kids to the movies to see Princess and the Frog (adorable movie by the way). Then I took the girls to the mall and we walked around, tried on different make-ups and perfumes and got to taste all the free foods they were giving away (Even Godiva had some freebies for the kids, ESPECIALLY when they heard we were celebrating Ashlie's birthday). We still stayed up late and painted our nails and watched movies till around 1am when the kids finally passed out.

Somehow we managed to salvage the night and make the most of it. But my heart aches a bit for the little girl who's mother is too frustratingly rude to bother learning about what her kid really wants. I just don't understand parents who aren't willing to take the time and get to know other parents of their kids' friends so they can hang out more. Hopefully it's rare.

It still annoys me though. As a fellow parent I just don't understand it. Oh well, we had fun and that's the important thing.....right?

Lots of Love,

Six Word Saturday - Feb 20th

2010-02-20T08:44:00.003-05:00

I Need A Girls Night Out!

I think that about sums it up for me today. If you want to play along click the button and head over to Cate's place to join in the fun!

Lots of Love,

Beautiful Bloggers

2010-02-19T06:00:00.000-05:00

Amanda over at Life According to Amanda has blessed me with the Beautiful Blogger award.
The rules to this award are pretty simple: Thank and link people to the person who gave you the award (thanks again Amanda) and then tell 7 things about yourself and pass the award on to 15 other beautiful bloggers. (And this is pretty perfect timing since I've been fairly negligent to my blogging friends as of late)

Seven things about me:
1) I was 17 when I got pregnant with Ashlie, 19 when I got pregnant with Jessica. If I could go back in time and change that I would, but only because I wish I'd finished college first (and ideally gotten married first) but I'm so thankful for my kids and God's timing is perfect, even if it was based off my 'mistake'.
2) I love the show Friends. My sister loaned me all ten seasons and I have been watching them nonstop ever since. I still laugh at all the jokes even though I can probably quote them in my sleep. One day I'll probably have to give in and buy the set myself, but for right now that's what sisters are for right? (Lol. Thanks again Kara)
3) At least once a month I get pretty down on myself. I'm not sure exactly why but I keep it to myself and just allow myself to let anything and everything that has been bugging me out, normally in the form of tears and normally in the bath tub after the kids have gone to bed (or when they're at their dads, I try my best not to ever let them see me when I'm down.) It's normal, yes I've been seen by a doctor for it, this is just how I deal with the big stress-ors in my life.
4) I have several laughs. I do the whole "tee hee" thing, I have a big bellied laugh, I snicker and there are a few others. Depending on how funny something is you might hear a mix of two or more laughs. I used to hate that about myself but one of my ex boyfriends told me once it was the cutest thing in the world to him (and that was after we'd broken up!) Since then I've learned to enjoy and love my laughs, different as they are.
5) I really enjoy a good debate or an intense argument especially when I know my stuff and can back up my views beyond a shadow of a doubt. Most of my debates are online through chat rooms or random bulletin board posts and normally they fall right around the same time I'm PMSing. (It's an awesome way to vent and feel good about myself because I like to think that I can make my point without losing my temper....for the most part anyway)
6) In case you haven't noticed I'm a pretty passionate person. I stand up for what I believe; I like to think things through before I say what's on my mind (but only because I like to breakdown the different ways what I say might be perceived so that I'm sure I'll "win" whatever point it is I'm trying to make, this works well for me in sales - I could probably sell ice to an Eskimo if I tried hard enough lol) My life long motto has always been that you can mess with me all you want but don't you dare mess with my friends or family.
7) As social as I am, as much as I love being surrounded by people there are times where I just enjoy being alone too. I try to balance out who I am as best as I can. As quirky as I am, as crazy as I am, I try to balance it out. I'm no where near perfect and I know I'll never reach perfection but I like who I am today. I like the woman I am turning out to be. And if I don't like something about me, I change it. (for the most part, I still can't afford lasik eye surgery or liposuction but hey personality wise I've got it going on!)

Wow that took forever. Now to pass the award on to 15 other beautiful bloggers. Normally I include a reason I picked the people I pass it on to but this time around I'm just going to list them off (it's way past my bed time and I doubt I'll remember to go back and edit this draft before it publishes)
1) Shayla @ Sunshine and Sprinkles
2) Jane @ Painted House
3) Beth @ C. Beth Blog
4) Cate @ Show My Face
5) Missy @ Loving My Children's Gifts
6) A Faithful Marine Wife @ Marine Wife Unplugged
7) Missy @ Mizeez Moments
8) Lady J @ Pen to Pages
9) Rabbit @ Rabbity Things
10) Katie @ Rooftop Melodies
11) Nicole @ Stories from a Sassy Step-Mom
12) Margaret @ The Brown Recluse
13) Ron @ The Old Geezer Blog
14) Jenn @ You Know That Blog.....
15) Holly @ Bitchin' but not a Bitch

Enjoy your awards guys, you've earned them! =) Hopefully I'll remember to comment on your blogs to inform you of your awards. (I'm writing this as a draft right now, it's currently Wednesday night for me, and this will post early Friday morning) If I don't though let's blame it on the fact that Friday is the day we're celebrating Ashlie's birthday and I will therefore be cleaning the house and getting it ready for her small party.

Lots of Love,